How to help a family that is adopting

Stole this from an adoption blog I follow...so true! By the way...we probably won't have an "airport" experience like she talks about...but we will have a long car ride :)

Supporting Families Before the Airport

Your friends are adopting. They’re in the middle of dossiers and home studies, and most of them are somewhere in the middle of Waiting Purgatory. Please let me explain something about WP: It sucks in every way. Oh sure, we try to make it sound better than it feels by using phrases like “We’re trusting in God’s plan” and “God is refining me” and “Sovereignty trumps my feelings” and crazy bidness like that. But we are crying and aching and getting angry and going bonkers when you’re not watching. It’s hard. It hurts. It feels like an eternity even though you can see that it is not. It is harder for us to see that, because many of us have pictures on our refrigerators of these beautiful darlings stuck in an orphanage somewhere while we’re bogged down in bureaucracy and delays.

How can you help? By not saying or doing these things:

1. “God’s timing is perfect!” (Could also insert: “This is all God’s plan!” “God is in charge!”) As exactly true as this may be, when you say it to a waiting parent, we want to scratch your eyebrows off and make you eat them with a spoon. Any trite answer that minimizes the struggle is as welcomed as a sack of dirty diapers. You are voicing something we probably already believe while not acknowledging that we are hurting and that somewhere a child is going to bed without a mother again. Please never say this again. Thank you.

2. “Are you going to have your own kids?” (Also in this category: “You’ll probably get pregnant the minute your adoption clears!” “Since this is so hard, why don’t you just try to have your own kids?” “Well, at least you have your own kids.”) The subtle message here is: You can always have legitimate biological kids if this thing tanks. It places adoption in the Back-up Plan Category, where it does not belong for us. When we flew to Ethiopia with our first travel group from our agency, out of 8 couples, we were the only parents with biological kids. The other 7 couples chose adoption first. Several of them were on birth control. Adoption counts as real parenting, and if you believe stuff Jesus said, it might even be closer to the heart of God than regular old procreation. (Not to mention the couples that grieved through infertility already. So when you say, “Are you going to have your own kids?” to a woman who tried for eight years, then don’t be surprised if she pulls your beating heart out like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.)

3. For those of you in Christian community, it is extremely frustrating to hear: “Don’t give up on God!” or “Don’t lose faith!” It implies that we are one nanosecond away from tossing our entire belief system in the compost pile because we are acting sad or discouraged. It’s condescending and misses the crux of our emotions. I can assure you, at no point in our story did we think about kicking Jesus to the curb, but we still get to cry tears and feel our feelings, folks. Jesus did. And I’m pretty sure he went to heaven when he died.

4. We’re happy to field your questions about becoming a transracial family or adopting a child of another race, but please don’t use this moment to trot out your bigotry. (Cluelessness is a different thing, and we try to shrug that off. Like when someone asked about our Ethiopian kids, “Will they be black?” Aw, sweet little dum-dum.) The most hurtful thing we heard during our wait was from a black pastor who said, “Whatever you do, don’t change their last name to Hatmaker, because they are NOT Hatmakers. They’ll never be Hatmakers. They are African.” What the??? I wonder if he’d launch the same grenade if we adopted white kids from Russia? If you’d like to know what we’re learning about raising children of another race or ask respectful, legitimate questions, by all means, do so. We care about this and take it seriously, and we realize we will traverse racial landmines with our family. You don’t need to point out that we are adopting black kids and we are, in fact, white. We’ve actually already thought of that.

5. Saying nothing is the opposite bad. I realize with blogs like this one, you can get skittish on how to talk to a crazed adopting Mama without getting under her paper-thin skin or inadvertently offending her. I get it. (We try hard not to act so hypersensitive. Just imagine that we are paper-pregnant with similar hormones surging through our bodies making us cry at Subaru commercials just like the 7-month preggo sitting next to us. And look at all this weight we’ve gained. See?) But acting like we’re not adopting or struggling or waiting or hoping or grieving is not helpful either. If I was pregnant with a baby in my belly, and no one ever asked how I was feeling or how much longer or is his nursery ready or can we plan a shower, I would have to audition new friend candidates immediately.

Here’s what we would love to hear Before the Airport:

1. Just kind, normal words of encouragement. Not the kind that assume we are one breath away from atheism. Not the kind that attempt to minimize the difficulties and tidy it all up with catchphrases. We don’t actually need for you to fix our wait. We just want you to be our friend and acknowledge that the process is hard and you care about us while we’re hurting. That is GOLD. I was once having lunch with my friend Lynde when AWAA called with more bad news about Ben’s case, and I laid my head down on the table in the middle of Galaxy Café and bawled. Having no idea what to do with such a hot mess, she just cried with me. Thank you for being perfect that day, Lynde.

2. Your questions are welcomed! We don’t mind telling you about the court system in Ethiopia or the in-country requirements in Nicaragua or the rules of the foster system. We’re glad to talk about adoption, and we’re thankful you care. I assure you we didn’t enter adoption lightly, so sharing details of this HUGE PIECE OF OUR LIVES is cathartic. Plus, we want you to know more because we’re all secretly hoping you’ll adopt later. (This is not true.) (Yes it is.)

3. When you say you’re praying for us and our waiting children, and you actually really are, not only does that soothe our troubled souls, but according to Scripture, it activates the heavens. So pray on, dear friends. Pray on. That is always the right thing to say. And please actually do it. We need people to stand in the gap for us when we are too tired and discouraged to keep praying the same words another day.

4. If you can, please become telepathic to determine which days we want to talk about adoption and which days we’d rather you just show up on our doorstep with fresh figs from the Farmer’s Market (thanks, Katie) or kidnap us away in the middle of the day to go see Bridesmaids. Sometimes we need you to make us laugh and remember what it feels like to be carefree for a few hours. If you’re not sure which day we’re having, just pre-buy movie tickets and show up with the figs, and when we answer the door, hold them all up and ask, “Would you like to talk for an hour uninterrupted about waiting for a court date?” We’ll respond to whichever one fits.

Supporting Families After the Airport

You went to the airport. The baby came down the escalator to cheers and balloons. The long adoption journey is over and your friends are home with their new baby / toddler / twins / siblings / teenager. Everyone is happy. Maybe Fox News even came out and filmed the big moment and “your friend” babbled like an idiot and didn’t say one constructive word about adoption and also she looked really sweaty during her interview. (Really? That happened to me too. Weird.)

How can you help? By not saying or doing these things:

1. I mean this nicely, but don’t come over for awhile. Most of us are going to hole up in our homes with our little tribe and attempt to create a stable routine without a lot of moving parts. This is not because we hate you; it’s because we are trying to establish the concept of “home” with our newbies, and lots of strangers coming and going makes them super nervous and unsure, especially strangers who are talking crazy language to them and trying to touch their hair.

2. Please do not touch, hug, kiss, or use physical affection with our kids for a few months. We absolutely know your intentions are good, but attachment is super tricky with abandoned kids, and they have had many caregivers, so when multiple adults (including extended family) continue to touch and hold them in their new environment, they become confused about who to bond with. This actually delays healthy attachment egregiously. It also teaches them that any adult or stranger can touch them without their permission, and believe me, many adoptive families are working HARD to undo the damage already done by this position. Thank you so much for respecting these physical boundaries.

3. For the next few months, do not assume the transition is easy. For 95% of us, it so is not. And this isn’t because our family is dysfunctional or our kids are lemons, but because this phase is so very hard on everyone. I can’t tell you how difficult it was to constantly hear: “You must be so happy!” and “Is life just so awesome now that they’re here??” and “Your family seems just perfect now!” I wanted that to be true so deeply, but I had no idea how to tell you that our home was actually a Trauma Center. (I did this in a passive aggressive way by writing this blog, which was more like “An Open Letter to Everyone Who Knows Us and Keeps Asking Us How Happy We Are.”) Starting with the right posture with your friends – this is hard right now – will totally help you become a safe friend to confide in / break down in front of / draw strength from.

4. Do not act shocked if we tell you how hard the early stages are. Do not assume adoption was a mistake. Do not worry we have ruined our lives. Do not talk behind our backs about how terribly we’re doing and how you’re worried that we are suicidal. Do not ask thinly veiled questions implying that we are obviously doing something very, very wrong. Do not say things like, “I was so afraid it was going to be like this” or “Our other friends didn’t seem to have these issues at all.” Just let us struggle. Be our friends in the mess of it. We’ll get better.

5. If we’ve adopted older kids, please do not ask them if they “love America so much” or are “so happy to live in Texas.” It’s this simple: adoption is born from horrible loss. In an ideal world, there would be no adoption, because our children would be with their birth families, the way God intended. I’ll not win any points here, but I bristle when people say, “Our adopted child was chosen for us by God before the beginning of time.” No he wasn’t. He was destined for his birth family. God did not create these kids to belong to us. He didn’t decide that they should be born into poverty or disease or abandonment or abuse and despair aaaaaaaall so they could finally make it into our homes, where God intended them to be. No. We are a very distant Plan B. Children are meant for their birth families, same as my biological kids were meant for mine. Adoption is one possible answer to a very real tragedy… after it has already happened, not before as the impetus for abandonment. There is genuine grief and sorrow when your biological family is disrupted by death and poverty, and our kids have endured all this and more. So when you ask my 8-year-old if he is thrilled to be in Texas, please understand that he is not. He misses his country, his language, his food, his family. Our kids came to us in the throes of grief, as well they should. Please don’t make them smile and lie to you about how happy they are to be here.

6. Please do not disappear. If I thought the waiting stage was hard, it does not even hold the barest candle to what comes after the airport. Not. The. Barest. Candle. Never have I felt so isolated and petrified. Never have I been so overwhelmed and exhausted. We need you after the airport way more than we ever needed you before. I know you’re scared of us, what with our dirty hair and wild eyes and mystery children we’re keeping behind closed doors so they don’t freak out more than they already have, but please find ways to stick around. Call. Email. Check in. Post on our Facebook walls. Send us funny cards. Keep this behavior up for longer than six days.

Here’s what we would love to hear or experience After the Airport:

1. Cook for your friends. Put together a meal calendar and recruit every person who even remotely cares about them. We didn’t cook dinners for one solid month, and folks, that may have single handedly saved my sanity. There simply are not words to describe how exhausting and overwhelming those first few weeks are, not to mention the lovely jetlag everyone came home with. And if your friends adopted domestically right up the street, this is all still true, minus the jetlag.

2. If we have them, offer to take our biological kids for an adventure or sleepover. Please believe me: their lives just got WHACKED OUT, and they need a break, but their parents can’t give them one because they are 1.) cleaning up pee and poop all day, 2.) holding screaming children, 3.) spending all their time at doctors’ offices, and 4.) falling asleep in their clothes at 8:15pm. Plus, they are in lockdown mode with the recently adopted, trying to shield them from the trauma that is Walmart.

3. Thank you for getting excited with us over our little victories. I realize it sounds like a very small deal when we tell you our kindergartener is now staying in the same room as the dog, but if you could’ve seen the epic level of freakoutedness this dog caused her for three weeks, you would understand that this is really something. When you encourage us over our incremental progress, it helps. You remind us that we ARE moving forward and these little moments are worth celebrating. If we come to you spazzing out, please remind us where we were a month ago. Force us to acknowledge their gains. Be a cheerleader for the healing process.

4. Come over one night after our kids are asleep and sit with us on our porch. Let me tell you: we are all lonely in those early weeks. We are home, home, home, home, home. Good-bye, date nights. Good-bye, GNO’s. Good-bye, spontaneous anything. Good-bye, church. Good-bye, big public outings. Good-bye, community group. Good-bye, nightlife. So please bring some community to our doorstep. Bring friendship back into our lives. Bring adult conversation and laughter. And bring an expensive bottle of wine.

5. If the shoe fits, tell adopting families how their story is affecting yours. If God has moved in you over the course of our adoption, whether before the airport or after, if you’ve made a change or a decision, if somewhere deep inside a fire was lit, tell us, because it is spiritual water on dry souls. There is nothing more encouraging than finding out God is using our families for greater kingdom work, beautiful things we would never know or see. We gather the holy moments in our hands every day, praying for eyes to see God’s presence, his purposes realized in our story. When you put more holy moments in our hands to meditate on, we are drawn deeper into the Jesus who led us here.

Here’s one last thing: As you watch us struggle and celebrate and cry and flail, we also want you to know that adoption is beautiful, and a thousand times we’ve looked at each other and said, “What if we would’ve said no?” God invited us into something monumental and lovely, and we would’ve missed endless moments of glory had we walked away. We need you during these difficult months of waiting and transitioning, but we also hope you see that we serve a faithful God who heals and actually sets the lonely in families, just like He said He would. And even through the tears and tantrums (ours), we look at our children and marvel that God counted us worthy to raise them. We are humbled. We’ve been gifted with a very holy task, and when you help us rise to the occasion, you have an inheritance in their story; your name will be counted in their legacy.

Because that day you brought us pulled pork tacos was the exact day I needed to skip dinner prep and hold my son on the couch for an hour, talking about Africa and beginning to bind up his emotional wounds. When you kidnapped me for two hours and took me to breakfast, I was at the very, very, absolute end that morning, but I came home renewed, able to greet my children after school with fresh love and patience. When you loved on my big kids and offered them sanctuary for a night, you kept the family rhythm in sync at the end of a hard week.

Thank you for being the village. You are so important

Mix of Emotions

All I can say is WOW!

I have no idea how to put into words all of my hopes, dreams and fears now that this process is officially underway.

We had our first home study meeting tonight. Melissa, our case worker, is super sweet and on our side for sure! :) She really likes us and that's a great thing.

We walked through our home study requirements and she was pretty impressed with all my organizational skills. Honestly so am I! I can't believe I have really kept up with all of this paper work. Brandon says when I want something I go until I get it. I guess this has been motivation to stay organized and do what I need to do.

As she began to talk about the possible heartaches that could happen through this process, a part of me wanted to stand up and scream, NO! No, there can't be any more heartache. Don't you know that I have been trying for 2 years, 3 if we are honest, to have a child and for 34 out of 36 times I have gotten my period and wondered why I am broken? Don't you know the other 2 times I lost my baby and experienced grief like I had never imagined was possible. There is no more room for heartache. None.

Truth is...there is more room for heartache. I have not been through what other women have been through. I have never given birth to a still born child. I have never miscarried beyond 6 weeks and for that I am so grateful. There's room I suppose.

My biggest fear throughout this process is that we will be matched and the mother will change her mind during the "dreaded days." The length of those days is different for each state. Florida is two days or as soon as the birth mother is released from the hospital. Georgia is TEN DAYS. 10 days folks. That's a LONG time. Not to mention if the birth father doesn't sign off and comes forward later he can screw with you until the finalization which can take up to 4 months. Ai yi yi.

The thought of finally having a child to love of my own makes me want to take this risk but honestly I am scared now. I am literally placing my future in the hands of the Lord and two birth parents who can have me on a string.

We still feel called to do this even after tonight but I am not going to lie...my heart feels like it is on the chopping block.

We will finish up the final few parts of our paper work this week. We still have the sanitation check, medical reports, Brandon's part of the profile, photographs of us and our house and our FBI clearance. We are going to go through a process that cost more money to get our FBI clearance back quicker. This is because a lot of the grant programs that we are applying for have to have a completed home study first. We are not trying to rush the process but we can only make a good choice of agencies once we know what kind of financial resources we have. We will mail what we have on Monday and then we will set up our individual interviews from there.

While I am organizing all the paper work, Brandon is becoming Mr. Do-it-yourself-Bob-Villa around here. He is getting ready to lay new floors in our nursery room and hallway and he is super excited. He's excited to learn how to do it. I am excited for him and will continue to support him from my computer and paper work on the couch. :)

I know that I am pouring out my heart on this blog these days but to be honest, it's my outlet because I imagine that everyone who reads it cares. It's also a journal to look back on through our journey as well as a sounding board or help to others going through this process. I can't wait to read this journey with a little one in my arms one day and smile at the incredible journey that we are privileged to experience.

Until next time...

Rockin and Rollin

I am waiting to wake up from the dream that this home study process is acutally rocking and rolling right along. (I actually had a dream last night that someone handed me a check for 20,000...oh for that to come true :)!)

Today we found out that we don't have to pay for our 911 checks or septic tank inspection. That is HUGE since there are so many little things that will nickle and dime you to death when it comes to adoption.

We have just a few little things to fill out and the second wave will be done.

Today at 4:30 is our first meeting with our caseworker for our home study. It is our first of 4 meetings with her. We (I) am nervous. It's the first money that we have applied towards anything and that in itself is nerve racking.

I'll update tomorrow and let you know how the meeting went and what to expect next in this process!!

Until next time...

Open or Closed

I knew there would be a lot of decisions that we would have to make in the process of adoption. Race? We don't care. Gender? Doesn't matter to us. International or Domestic? We've chosen domestic. All these choices have been made and honestly have come quite easily.

The hardest decision ever has been deciding whether or not to do open, semi-open or closed adoption. I try to pull from my own experience through some of these decisions but for this one, my experience is kinda jaded. I knew my birth mother and it wasn't a very pleasant experience. She's not really a nice person (ask Sara Beth) and I don't really like her to be honest with you. I have never met my birth dad but I am really ok with that too. Sure there are moments where I would love to see what he looks like now. Moments where I wonder where he has been all this time. What is his story? How much of his genes have played into my story? Ask how many other children he has donated sperm to but never acknowledged or wanted.

But now here's the decision staring me in the face. What if my baby has birth parents who are actually kind and good but just young and not ready to give this baby a life? What if my baby is in the tummy of a woman who is so desperate to keep her baby and love it like she has the other 5 that she has birthed but knows that she has no money or resources to do so? What if my child will have good people for parents? Can I watch my child bond with the woman that carried them and be ok with it? Can I really keep up with all the communication that is required with an open adoption? Can I really put my heart out there like that? Do I really want the birth parents to know everything about me?

But then again there is the side of closed adoption. When my baby lies awake at night with those doubts and questions, do I really have the right to choose a close adoption and not have those answers for my baby? Can I really keep them from their heritage just to keep my heart protected? It would be so much easier but God has obviously not chosen us for an easier path.

Semi-Open means that all communication will be through the agency. All pictures, all phone calls, all meetings, all letters, everything would be through the agency. It seems like a good choice but she might not be open to it.

Whatever the path, I pray that we make the right choice. The choice that will allow our baby to grow to be a healthy person both emotionally and physically. The choice that will put the pieces together for our child.

The First Wave

My hope is that this blog can become a resource for other people hoping to adopt. I am going to try my best to keep it updated with the paper work as we submit it so that you know what our process looked like.

10-21-11 - Submitted Initial homestudy application
HIPA forms agreeing to criminal background checks


This first application was pretty easy and just asked generic questions. It was about 11 pages altogether.

The next wave is the HUGE wave. There we will submit all forms such as driver's licence, health insurance, car insurance, marriage certificates, pages regarding sleep positions to reduce the risk of SIDS, our 911 log, our septic tank check, our finicial statement, salary verification sheets from our employers, personal profiles (10 pages each, over 100 something detailed questions), medical forms, FBI background checks, Rabies vaccinations for both pets, 4 personal reference letters, and even an agreement to copy all documents twice. Whew!

The good news is we are almost finished with it should be ready to send it in within the next few days. From there we will begin the four interview stage followed by our written report.

Things are actually moving along great and we could not be more excited.

Until next time...

Reactions

The reactions I love the most to the news that we are adopting are the ones that are just as excited for us had we told them we were pregnant.

We told Brandon's cousin Erin the other night and she ran to the press box during the middle of half time and told her husband who is a high school football coach. She interrupted his game to tell him. He was just as excited and wanted to know when we were going to pick the baby up. She had to explain to him that it was a long process and that we were just getting started. He couldn't understand why we just couldn't go pick the baby up.

The other sweet reaction has been Brandon's grandmother Mama Ruth. When we told her that we needed the rocky horse that Brandon's grandfather made for him years ago because we were adopting a baby she welled up with pride and became so excited for us.

We are so excited about this process and love seeing people who are willing to celebrate with us as well.

9 months

When a person gets pregnant they are usually pregnant for at least 9 months. I think I have even heard somewhere that it averages out to 10 months by the time it is all said and done.

Going into this process we thought it would be a long, drawn out ordeal because of stories we have heard.

Well apparently all you have to do is tell an agency that you don't mind what race your baby is and birth mamas and agencies start coming after YOU!

Although adoption can be a wonderful thing; in some ways it has a way of making you jaded towards the world. I am not sure where some companies can justify a 20,000 dollar difference between a white child and a black child. 20,000 dollars. 20,000. I am not sure when adoption stops being adoption and starts being child trafficking.

To update you on our status, here's where we are:

We are have officially submitted the first part of our home study process. It's the initial application which is just a few pages of information and a few signed forms.

Next comes BIG DADDY! It's the 25 page application process that we BOTH have to fill out as individuals. Right now it is being stored in a 3" binder that I am lovingly referring to as my "adoption bible" or "BIG DADDY" cause this thing is HUGE! This is just the home study folks. We haven't even contracted with an agency yet.

We have already started gathering the 847,000 documents required for the home study including our 911 calls for every address we have ever lived in and our septic tank check. Yeah...you have to have both of those to be official. Once our applications are approved we will begin the interview process which includes 4 interviews. We will both do one individually, one together, and then one at our house where they will check it over. Before this happens we hope to have all the new floors laid down and the nursery at least started.

So far I can equate the adoption process to being butt naked in a see through box in the middle of the street where you can't see out but they can see in. Your entire life and all of your feelings, hopes, dreams, failures, flaws and imperfections are constantly being put on display for everyone to see.

I have also found the process to be healing. Adoption is something that forces you to get on your knees before God and depend on him like you never have before. It is a process that brings your and your spouse together because at times only you understanding what you are doing and why you are doing it. You feel alone but together if that makes any sense. It's a process that has made me deal with some inner demons that I have always felt towards my birth parents. I pray that at the end of this process I can look back and see the tremendous growth that I am sure I will experience.

It all seems a little surreal to me but I am ready for the ride.

Till next time...

3 Choice Kinda Girl

I am a three choice kinda girl. Dinner? Give me three choices and I'll decide. Clothes? Give me a few choices and I'll pick something. Friday Night Date? Brandon knows to just give me three options and I'll pick one.

I really wish someone would just narrow down all the choices when it comes to picking who is eventually going to match me up with my child.

There are so many agencies and so many choices that my head is spinning. We have given ourselves until November 1st. We will make our final decision then.

And so it begins...

A disclaimer.

***This blog will probably very obviously become only about our adoption process. Yes there will probably be the occasional education rant, random update of our life, pictures of events and friends, but right now our life is becoming consumed with the adoption process. At this point you have two options. 1. Keep reading. 2. Or don't. For years I have read about your cute little children and all their milestones so give this aching heart of mine a break and allow me to be in the "expectant" stages of recieving my child.***

So the paper trail begins and what a trail it is. Because we are more than likely going with an adoption agency that will be in the state of Virginia we will not only have to go through their paper process but also the agency here in Georgia that will be completing our home study. We have however found a great agency that does a independent home study for pretty cheap (I use that word very loosely.) Our first mount of paper work is coming in the mail this week and this is just the preliminary stuff from both agencies. I am excited to fill all of it out but scared at the same time that at some point someone will read our paper work and tell us there is no way they are going to place a baby with us.

Once the preliminary stuff is sent in and we are accepted into the different agencies we will then go through the home study process which will take a few months to complete.

Ai yi yi! This is going to be a roller coaster ride for sure but we are excited to strap in and take off.

Immeasurably More

14 For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family[a] in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I have always loved Ephesians 14-19, especially the part about being rooted and established in love. Oh how I long to be able to truly grasp just how wide and long, how high and deep the love of Christ is for me. As I kept reading this time, I found the diamond in the rough so to speak. The verse that I believe will carry us through this adoption process. The promise that Christ is ABLE to do IMMEASURABLY more than all that I can ever ask or imagine. So many times I only want what I think is best for my life and for my marriage and family. But what I want is so fickle and small compared to what Christ wants for my life and my family.

As we go through this adoption process Brandon and I are already starting to dream of what this process is going to look like and how it is going to unfold. Truth of the matter is...it probably won't look a thing like what we are expecting. It probably won't turn out just like we have planned it...but that's ok. Because I know in my heart that Christ is able to do IMMEASURABLY more than I can ever ask or imagine. I have to give myself over to the fact that in the end the timing will be perfect for our lives, the child will be the one that we are meant to love and raise, it will be immeasurably more than I can ever hope for or ask.

So as we start this journey, I ask that as you think about our family that you will stop and say this prayer for us.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Adoption is an Option

I was adopted at the age of 9 months. My story is actually pretty crazy. Before I was 9 months old I had traveled in 2 stolen trucks and covered both the northern and southern parts of the country. The first stolen truck was when I was 2 weeks old. It had no windows and our destination was Wisconsin in October (points to the birth parents for smart thinking on that one!) The smart ones didn't stop there and a few months later I was in a stolen 18 wheeler this time (gotta make it better than the last) on my way to Tampa, Florida. In the words of SB...I win.

The FBI called my grandfather and his wife in the middle of the night to inform them they had custody of their granddaughter (that's me by the way) and were wanting to know if they wanted the cutest baby they had ever seen (Ok...so they really didn't say that last part but you can just imagine that I was!)

It's a girl!! Kay and Erskin were now the proud parents of a bouncing baby girl. Ok, so I wasn't bouncing. I was dying actually. 2 weeks of feeding me and bathing me and I was finally doing some better and not covered in grime and dirt. My actual adoption did not take place until years later thanks to the birth mother and sperm donor trying to come in and out of the picture. At 5 years old I was sitting on my dad's lap when the judge called the matter of Christine Leigh Simms into order. I distinctly remember asking daddy who that was and when were we going to McDonalds.

So, why all of a sudden am I telling you my adoption story? As my heart beats out of my chest I am so excited to announce to you that Brandon and I have decided to pursue adoption!!!! (let the cheering begin!!) It is something that I have always wanted to do. Brandon had never really thought about it because, honestly, it was never really on his radar of life. He came from great wbiological parents and always just assumed that after he married the perfect woman the perfect baby would come along. After he met the less than perfect woman and her less than perfect adopted family, he began to realize how much adoption played into my story and how cool it would be to welcome a child into our home that needed a forever mommy and daddy.

Honestly our fertility issues are probably pushing up our adoption timeline more than we would have ever imagined. However, knowing that it was a future plan for our family and knowing that adoption can be a lengthy process, we have decided to go ahead and start the process.

To answer the annoying and nosy-question-that-is-really-none-of-your business-but-I'll-deal-with-anyway...if we are to get pregnant through this adoption process we will still continue to seek adopting. Adoption is not simply something we are doing because we can not get pregnant...it is something we would have done anyway.

Our first major decision is international or domestic (the picture included should show you where I am leaning :)) We are on two different sides of the fence on this one and are seeking to come to an agreement. We are about 6 months out from submitting our paperwork. It will be a lengthy process that hopefully I will keep you updated on.

I pray that you will support us and that you will continue to pray for our family as we come to your mind. I look forward to the day that we get to introduce you to our son or daughter.

Love,

The Peevys

It's here...

What's that you say? What could be here to cause such excitement in the Peevy household?

That's right my friends

That's right my friends. It's time for some football. Not just any type of football. College football. The kind that you turn on Game Day at 9 in the morning and leaving it running until 11 at night when it's all said and done!! I am so ready!! Roll Tide Roll!

Soul Stirring

I love it when God plants a thought, scripture, phrase, song into my soul and just stirs it. The ones that you know can only be from from the Lord. The ones that stay with you and bring you unbelievable peace and joy. The one that calms you, settles you, makes you smile, or just plain sets you free.

The past few weeks I have been moaning, complaining, worrying, all of those things that I am not suppose to be doing about some of my current situations.

One of my friends simply shared this verse with me and it does all of those things that my soul is desperate for right now.

1But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
3For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

My heart is resting in this verse right now.

Trip to Savannah

We decided the first year that we were married not to give each other gifts for our anniversary. Instead of gifts we try to take a trip every year. We don't always get to take the trip the weekend of our anniversary (that's what happens when you get married on the weekend of your annual family reunion.)

With Brandon working at the fire department we had to wait until he could swap some vacation time with other fire fighters. We didn't have many days this year so we decided on a quick trip to Savannah, Ga.

Savannah was amazing! No, we didn't eat at Paula Dean's because the line was ridiculous (did I mention we went in July??) to have your name put on a list for a time to come and eat. That was a little disappointing but the trip was still incredible.

Brandon and his priceline.com abilities (thanks Sara Beth) got us a great rate at the Hyatt. We ate at some amazing restaurants. I would highly recommend Vic's on river street. Amazing! The shrimp and grits were incredible.

I also got a little shopping in while we were there. My new addictions are bracelets and scarfs. I love them. I have a pretty basic black shirt and grey pants that I love to dress up with different pieces of jewelry and I love my scarfs. I got some cute stuff at a little shop on River street called Stuff under Twenty. Not really the most creative name but it caught my eye and I bought stuff so I guess it works.

This year I am teaching Georgia Studies and honestly I know nothing about it. We decided that the trolley ride through Savannah would be a great idea. Other than the 100 degree heat, it really was amazing. We got to go through all the sections and see all the important history of Savannah. We saw where the Girl Scouts were started. We got to see a lot of the famous ports and houses that were the beginning of Georgia as a colony. We also got to see where "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" was filmed and where Forrest himself sat on a bench and said the famous lines, "Mama always said life is like a box of chocolates. Never know whatcha gonna get." That was so fun!! :)

The trip really was amazing, short, but amazing. I am so glad that we decided to go and would love to go back when it is a whole lot cooler.

Yipeee!!

I remember my first day of school pretty well for some reason. I had on a super cute dress, was sporting my freshly permed-chlorinated from the summer of swimming at the YMCA blonde hair, and I had my paisley notebook and school supplies ready to go! My house was not that far from school but my mom let me ride the bus anyway. The dawn had just broke across the sky when the bus showed up to get me for the first time and I was finally able to step on Mr. Scott's bus.

I still feel that excitement, now as a teacher, every year that we return to school. I am just like a kid when it comes to picking out my office/school supplies for the year. I make sure that my first day outfit is perfect and sets the tone for the year (yeah I know...I have come a long way in fashion from pink shorts!) (that's another blog soon on it's own.) I make sure that my classroom/office area is set up perfect with just the right amount of material on the walls but room enough to allow student work to be displayed. I love it.

Bigger than that excitement is the thought of a new group of students. The possibility that you might meet one of those students who changes your life forever. The chance that you might get that student that truly allows you to be a part of their transformation into young adults. They will transform you and stay with you a little bit but there's always that handful that leave their mark on you in a special way (hopefully not a creepy way that would make you the Fox5 News Headline story at 6:00.)

I am so excited for a new year. A year of partnering with other teachers as their co-teacher to help students with disabilities succeed in the regular classrooms. I am excited about a caseload full of students that I can help show their abilities and not just focus on their disabilities. A year full of learning a brand new school and becoming part of a new family of teachers. Pep rallies, football games, dress up weeks and plays.

So here's to a new year, a new start, a new excitement.

Forever God is Faithful

When you have what you want or desire does God all of a sudden become faithful?

That question, phrased a little differently, was asked to me by my pastor after our second miscarriage. In other words, when you finally do have a child, is God all of a sudden going to become a good and faithful God to you?

My answer to him was something along the lines of.... Well Shit... why did you have to go and ask me that question. (Yes I cussed to my pastor. Yes he was ok with it. No I am not going to Hell and if I am you are going to be beside me for judging. Moving on!)

The more I have thought about that question the more that I am reminded that God is faithful in day to day things just as He is faithful in the big things. There are of course a few big things in life that Brandon and I are holding out hope for but there are so many things along the way that we have been blessed with that we can't complain about what it seems like we are missing.

I don't ever want to become the person (that I see on facebook...a lot) complaining about everything that is wrong (or like members of our family for that matter.) Sure sometimes you need to bitch and gripe but save that for your best friend (sorry SB for all the ranting) or for a date night with your girlfriends or better yet just put the big girl panties on and build a bridge.

God is faithful. I am healthy, I am taken care of emotionally and physically, I have a husband to share my life with, I have a job, I am not struggling with bills or whether I can put food on the table (hell I'm having to go to weight watchers because there has been to much food on the table.)

Bottom line: He is faithful and I am blessed.

Grief

I know this probably isn't the post that you expected since I told you I would be back with one about my experience in Nicaragua. I have written that post a dozen times and never liked the way it felt. There was so much on my heart coming home from Nicaragua that it literally has taken me this long to figure out how to express it. But tonight as I thought about what our family is facing once again it all came to me.

Grief is a funny thing. Sometimes we grieve the loss of love ones that are precious to us. We grieve what we will miss about them, what we loved about them, everything that we hold dear.

Sometimes if a person dies that we have anger or issues with, we instead grieve what we never had in them. This was the case with my dad. I loved him but he wasn't always the greatest dad in the world. I think that left me to grieve the dad that I longed for him to be.

It wasn't until I graduated from Judson that I realized that we sometimes grieve the lost seasons in our lives. I still choke up thinking about being the last person to pullout of Judson the day that we graduated and hearing the "I try to say goodbye and I choke, try to walk away and I stumble," song. I grieve the lost conversations between friends, the appreciation for differences in opinions and beliefs, the sisterhood of dorm life.

Through every episode of grief in my life the stages of grief have followed me. Shock, denial, begging and then the rock bottom place of brokenness and tears.

So why did I have to come all the way to Nicaragua just to experience grief yet again? Unfortunately this episode started way before I ever left for Nicaragua. It actually started when Brandon was in Nicaragua in March on his mission trip and I found out that I was pregnant.

I never once thought that I would ever have trouble having children. My birth mother popped out 5 of us and left us to fend for ourselves. Since I am a responsible adult (most of the time), care about others, have the means to take care of a child, ya-dah-ya I just always assumed that I would be able to look at my husband and get pregnant. Instead, I have only been pregnant 2 times in the last 3 years and both of those times have resulted in miscarriages.

The last time we found out we were pregnant Brandon was in Nicaragua. I now know the exact spot he was sitting in when I Skyped him the news. Because we had had the previous miscarriage I never really allowed myself to believe that I was pregnant and stayed very cautious throughout the entire ordeal. When Brandon returned home, I started miscarrying.

I went through a few of the stages of grief. The shock in the doctor's office. The denial in the pastor's office. The begging at home in my bed pleading for God to just make it right. But instead of allowing myself to go through the remaining stages of grief I somewhere decided to shut it all down. Better to feel nothing at all than to feel the weight of that grief.

I sucked it up, charged on through, got through another end of the school year and boarded a plan to Nicaragua.

The trip was like any other mission trip. Lots of poor people, poor towns, work to be done. You grow attached the kids. We loved on them as hard as we could knowing that we would soon leave and rejoin our comforts of home. By Thursday I was ready to be home, to be cool, to be clean, to be in the arms of the one I love, so Friday was going to be a piece of cake when it came to leaving. Right? Wrong.

It was on the steps of an orphanage in Nicaragua that God chose to break me and usher me through the brokenness of the miscarriage. As I watched our group say goodbye to all the kids they had grown to love I began to weep. Somewhere in their goodbyes I found my goodbye for the child that we had lost. It's hard to lose something so small, something that never really was what it was intended to be.

I wept for the first time since the day we found out that we were miscarrying. It wasn't a loud, Oprah, ugly cry. It was a slow stream of hot tears accompanied by a painful feeling in my gut. But once the moment had passed, I realized I had done something that I had been afraid of doing all my life...I had said goodbye. I said goodbye to our child that day, along with the other faces and moments in life that I have needed to let go.

I never imagined that moment would come in a foreign country but I am so glad it did. I am so glad that I didn't check out on my emotions and become bitter with life. I am so glad that I went through that hard and painful moment because I know I can survive the pain. Does that mean that I want to go through grief ever again? No. I am no fool, I know it is a part of life. But this time I know that I am strong enough to handle whatever may come my way.

So there it is. Not the itinerary trip, picture slide show, you were probably expecting but somehow writing it has been healing and that's all that really matters.

Wrecked

I think the best way I can describe myself after the trip to Nicaragua is wrecked. I have a lot to blog about the trip but I feel like it will come in bits and pieces as my heart and my head have time to completely flesh it all out. Right now I am afraid what I have to say won't make sense and I want to be able to fully capture what I experienced on the trip. So be on the look out for the a few post in the days/weeks to come.

In other news, Congratulations to one of my best friends Aundrea Orr Baisley. Aundrea and John choose not to know the sex of their baby and kept the name under wraps until a few hours after the birth. Last night, baby girl, Georgia Faye Baisley, made her grand debut. She was 8lbs and 7oz and is as cute as a button. I can't wait to get home to hold her and love on her.

That's all you get for now!

Reunited and it feels so good...

I haven't really had time to process the reunion weekend with SB, Rita and Kim. Really the only reason why I am writing about it this quickly is because I am out to beat them at everything and had to pull the trigger and be the first to blog about it.

The girls got to my house around 6 on Friday. This was remarkable since they piddle-farted around as much as they could and left during rush hour traffic. When Rita got out of the car I knew she didn't want some sappy, long, tight hug so I gave a quick one and said something mean about them being late and to hurry up and get their crap in my car because I didn't trust her or SB's driving. It seemed to set the mood pretty well for the weekend.

And let's talk about what all they brought...I had one little duffel bag and a few books and a purse. Sara Beth did not fail to disappoint with her 3 pillows, comforter, 2 bags packed with fat dresses and other clothes for a two night stay in which with the exception of Saturday dinner she stayed in the same exact outfit with the same exact hairstyle, and a few other random collections. Rita had some TOTO basket, a few bags, a pillow and some other crap. Kim had a pillow, a few bags and some other crap to not be undone by the other two. This didn't count the fact that we still had to go to Wal-Mart and buy groceries. So I finally packed all their crap in the car and finally figured out a way to get the trunk to close. And let's just throw in the side note that I feel so uncool because I do not have a kindle and or knook and or IPAD to be addicted to like crack like these three ladies.

We were off to Wal Mart where I proceeded to tell Rita that I was disappointed that she wasn't 300 pounds and as large as a house. Rita has been talking about her weight like she has gained 500 pounds since Judson. I on the other hand have gained 300 pounds since we left Judson and it was disappointing that she was clearly not in my club. To me she looked just like she did when she left Judson...Tiny and Beautiful :)

It was clear from the car ride that we were going to need to pee a lot in order to not pee on ourselves from laughter. We cracked ourselves up in the first 30 minutes and some how made it through Wal-Mart. As we were trying to pack the groceries in the car we got some unexpected help from a nice black lady who told us where to put things.

We made the trip to the house and had a great weekend. We ate an ungodly amount of CRAP. Like we should all be in cardiac arrest. I have craved meat, vegetables and water all day today. That should tell you something.

We recapped the last 8 years of our lives, leaving out parts until someone called us out. I apparently missed Kim's and had to fill in the pieces as we go and I already knew Sara Beth's.

We talked about you. That's an ambiguous you because we pretty much talked about everyone. Just like you talk about us and we are OK with that.

We talked some about Judson but not as much as one would think. We did however relive a few good old memories that had us all cracking up at how fun our college years really were...or maybe not. :)

We stayed up late, some later than others, slept late, some later than others, and did nothing on Saturday except go to dinner where we completely showed our gluttonous side once again and had one of the most phenomenal waiters ever.

I am sure there is more of a retrospective/what I learned from the girls/ what I missed about the girls/ that may or may not ever be created and posted. It truly was a great weekend though. It was one that I will look back on in 30 years and smile thinking about that comment that was made or that memory that was shared.

Thank you girls for helping me find myself a little more and for helping me remember you.

Love you all!

I'm reading, I'm reading

Over the past few weeks I have actually got the chance to start reading. Reading that has NOTHING to do with emotional behavior disorder, students with learning disabilities, or behavior charts. AMEN!

Instead I am reading:



If you are married you should read this book. The end.



My Judson friends have decided to start a little book club. I will technically start this book this weekend when Kim brings it to me.



Fusion: My pastor has recently asked me to take over the process of new members/visitors. It seems like it will be an easy read. I have already went through the first chapter making notes. I am excited about this new ministry and can't wait to get it all organized and put together (nerd alert!)

So yay for me for reading. I think that this might be my new challenge. To read a book for fun, a book to help me/us grow and a book to keep me engaged in either education or church leadership.

Pretty dang pumped! I am hoping for a lot of time to read between the plan ride to Nicaragua and the 3 hour bus ride once we get there. Ai yi yi!

Letters to Me Part 2

My name is Taylor and I have brown hair, brown eyes, and I like to play sports like Football, Basketball , and I also like to play outside on my trampoline, and I love to hike and get dirty too. I like to act crazy to and I like to watch football and basketball.
Mrs. Peevy is nice and sometimes mean. She is the cheerleader coach and the track coach too. She teaches reading, math, and Science. Mrs. Peevy is married and she is a woman.
Good things to do in class are do your work. You need to sit right and don’t talk out loud. Don’t stand on the desk and don’t get on Mrs. Peevy’s nerves that is a good one. Finally, do what you are told.
Bad things to do in class are fight, getting on Mrs.Peevy’s nerves, talking when Mrs.Peevy is talking ,calling people names and throwing stuff in class. Don’t tear Mrs. Peevy’s books or you will pay for that book, don’t steel anything from Mrs. Peevy or you will pay for it, don’t be bad for Mrs.Peevy or be bad when she’s not there.
Make sure you’re nice to Mrs.Peevy or I will find you and I will hurt you.
Peace from Taylor Coleman

*** Another class had the students write a letter to their favorite teacher. A student who is not my favorite sometimes wrote his to me. I am a little too emotional to add it to the blog today. Maybe next week. ***

Letters to Me

Every year I have my students write a letter to my upcoming class. Sometimes I actually use them and sometimes (more than not) I forget about them. Mainly the letters are a keepsake for me. They are sincere and usually pretty funny. So I thought I would share them with you and have them written one more place in case I ever lose them. :)

Dear Student,

My name is Spencer and I hate writing. I have a twin sister named Savannah. I also have a girlfriend named Savannah. I also hate Science.

Mrs. Peevy is the coolest teacher ever. She is so cool I feel asleep one time and she did not give me a detention. She loves dogs and poetry. She is also married.

A good thing to do in class is listen because it is funny. You should also sit in your seat. You should also help in class. You should always be nice.

You should never talk about her mom. Never talk rude to her. Do not argue with her because you will not win. Do not stick out your tounge to her.

So always be nice. Never be mean to her. Be respectful to her and most importantly be good.

Spencer.

I'll post a few more in a few days!

I say Good-bye you say Hello

Wow. Only 8 more days of school remaining. That means there are only 17 more days until I leave for Nicaragua and 24 more before I leave for the beach. I am saying Good-bye in a few days to my students, my cheer girls, my track kids and my co-workers. A few years ago this would have thrown me for a complete loop and my world would have been shaken. Over those years, I have learned an important lesson. While some good-byes are sad, most of them mean an opportunity for change. An opportunity to start over in some aspects. An opportunity to meet new people along the path that you are destined to meet. People that you will impact but most importantly will impact you. I have made a few close friends at my current school that I will treasure forever. Friends that I will see, stay in contact with, love for the rest of my life. No I won't see them on a daily basis but I won't have to see them on a daily basis to stay close to them.

Do I know what I am doing? Nope. I kinda like that. I like the freedom that in 8 days (10 if you count post-planning) that I will be free for a while. Free to dream. Free to search. Free to see what is out there. Free to ask God to move me right where I am suppose to be. There's something so amazing about being at this place and I feel blessed to be there.

So I might be saying a sad good-bye to another piece of my journey but in some ways I feel like my journey is just starting...again.

Mother MAY I?

Brandon and I have gotten the crazy ideas in our heads that we are only going to use cash for the month of May. We are not going to spend any of our change that we receive from spending the dollars but instead save it till the end of the month. We are going to fill up the cars on Sunday no matter how much gas they have in them with the debit cards. Other than that they are not coming out of our wallets.

*** This is what happens when my husband watches the Oprah network and Susie is talking! ***

Wordless Wednesday

Another Day

Part of me feels bad for blogging. There's so much going on in the world right now that my ramblings about life seem so irrelvant in the grand scheme of things. But then again isn't that how life happens. For some life will stop moving for a period of time because of a horrific moment (someone dies, destruction, miscarriage, divorce etc.) But the world keeps moving. Around and around. Life goes on.

So here are the latest ramblings/rants/happenings.

Ramblings
1. I have been back to the gym for the past two weeks and it feels great. Well actually it hurts like hell but it feels great to be able to say that I have not dropped the ball this time. I might have fallen off the bandwagon for a little while but unlike other times I didn't let that failure keep me down. I am hoping to start seeing the changes in my body soon and really hoping to not get hurt this time. I taking extra precaution in that area.

Rants
2 - 6 I know the majority of us feel this way but let me just go ahead and throw it out there. I know sometimes life sucks. You're tired. Too much on your plate. Not appreciated enough....blah, blah, blah. But if you constantly complain about life NO ONE wants to hear it. If you constantly have stupid remarks to make...NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT (EXCEPT FOR THE 4 PEOPLE ON THIS EARTH WHO ARE JUST LIKE YOU AND WILL LIKE YOUR STATUS CAUSE THEY ARE IDIOTS TOO!) I know I post a lot of crap to facebook. I tell you about my workouts that no one cares about or about my students which really no one cares about. But really.... You are happy Charlie Sheen is in T-Town because you didn't see Obama (lack of respect with President but that's besides the point) lift any wood while he was there. Or EVERYTHING that is wrong with the country is President Obama's fault until one good thing happens and all of a sudden don't give the man credit. There are certain events that happen (elections especially) that I just think to myself...here come the idiots. I will go on record to say that I did not care for about 95.6% of the things that President Bush did or said. However, I would never wish the man dead; especially when he was in office. Much more to say but really what's the point.

Happenings
7. I am very proud of the way that my church, school and gym have responded to relief efforts for those in Alabama. I will be meeting up with Sara Beth on May 16th to drop off items and help sort through already collected donations.

8. School is almost over and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will miss my kids and co-workers but I am ready for the new challenge and new place. I will update more on where and what that will be in a few weeks. :)

9. Today is my 3rd anniversary. It is hard to believe it has been three years already but in some regards it's hard to remember life without him. I hope when we are celebrating our 63rd anniversary he is still making me laugh, still keeping me in check and still looking at me the way he did the day that we got married.

Hope everyone is doing well. Peace out.

Things to do this summer...

Assuming that for some reason I stay in education I plan to make the best use of this summer. So here is an ever growing list of things I plan to do this summer. We'll see how it goes.

1. Read. Lots. I never read anymore unless it has to do with school. So you should start sending me your favorites and I'll review the book here on the blog with a shout out to you for recommending it. Even if it is bad. *** Sara Beth...No I will not read Angels and freaking Demons ***

2. Plant and keep my little garden. I am hoping that this garden both saves me money and causes me to want to eat a little healthier since I will have fresh veggies when I want them.

3. Visit Savannah, Georgia with the honey for our belated anniversary (mom needed power so she came to Georgia and booted us out of our already paid hotel in Chattanooga but we love her anyway and glad she is alive) trip.

4. Lay by the pool, in the pool, on the pool, around the pool, near the pool and every other preposition I can find to say I WILL BE AT A POOL...A LOT. I say this every year but I am damned and determine to make it happen this year!

5. Help out at our church a little more this summer. It will be a good time to help get some stuff organized as we move into a time of growth. Hoping that this will lead to some pretty neat things in the near(er) future.

6. Not buy a single cleaning product without a coupon. Since a lot of the food that we buy doesn't come with coupons, I have decided to get back into the coupon world through cleaning supplies. My goal is to not buy a single cleaning supply without some type of coupon or deal. I am pretty particular about my make up and hair stuff so I am just going to stick with cleaning stuff and see what happens over the summer money wise.

7. Set up our guest bed room. I hesitate to write this because there is nothing that I hate worse in the world than painting. But...this needs to be done and I am just going to have to suck it up and do it.

8. Have the Judson girls up to the river for a late summer reunion. Stay tuned for more information.

9. Go on random trips to the beach. We have a trip planned for the beginning of summer but I really want to take a few spur of the moment, cheap trips to A beach this summer with random girl friends. We'll see if it happens.

10. Get back into Crossfit full time. I am easing back into this and I have to say I am pretty surprised how easy it was to fire this back up.

So there you have it. My top ten things to do this summer. I. AM. PUMPED.

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

I really feel like I am not living out my dreams or using my talents where they need to be used. I knew in high school that I was suppose to be in ministry. I knew it in college and that's why I went to FBC New Hope to be the children's minister. I felt it strong enough to move to Georgia, leaving everything that I had and knew to start a new journey in ministry. Because the TCAMC never went anywhere I was scared and fell into teaching. It was more of a safety net than anything. I enjoy teaching and at times love certain aspects of it but I am not PASSIONATE about it. I am passionate about seeing people plug into places within a church and find their place of service. I am passionate about coordinating events and can do them with my eyes closed. I am passionate about seeing youth deepen their relationship with Christ and about putting a community of believers together in groups. That's what I am passionate about. I don't want to be a children's or youth pastor necessarily. Just someone behind the scenes making it all happen.

The problem is rarely does this type of job 1. exist 2. provide a reliable or comparable income to teaching 3. offer security down the road. So now I am caught in limbo wondering if I am suppose to continue and pursue another teaching job, hope it's a good situation and learn to love it OR put myself out there and follow my dreams. I don't want to live with regret but I don't want to put Brandon and I in any danger now or later but I miss that girl of 2006 who took a risk and followed God's calling.

I guess this is my moment to throw out my fleece and see what encouragement, confirmation, warnings you guys might give me. Let's hear it.

Dark Night of the Soul

Reflections on Lent:



It has only been in the last few years that I have ever been challenged to really spend my time going through the season of Lent reflecting upon just what Christ did for me on the cross and what being a Christian is really all about. This season started off like any other Lent with Ash Wednesday. I have to say that Ash Wednesday is my favorite service at our church. This year it was even more phenomenal. The worship was great, we were able to sit with our sister in law and nieces and watch them experience it for the first time and it's always incredible to hear the words, "Go and sin no more" and know that Christ has forgiven us through the cross.



A few weeks after Lent started Brandon left with a team from our church to Nicaragua. As he left there was a little fear in me that always creeps up about his safety. Will the plan land ok? Will there be an earthquake and leave them in disaster? Will there? What if?



But my heart quickly settled with the news that they had landed and I went on about my week expecting it to be lonely and uneventful.



I started feeling bad on Monday and something told me to take a pregnancy test. Since we have never gotten a positive result I didn't feel bad taking the test with Brandon not here. I took the test half hearted fully expecting there to be nothing. When there was a slight something I couldn't believe it. I immediately called Heather Kendrick, because that's who I call for everything, and she confirmed that though faint there was something there. I spent the next hours and days taking test just to confirm that I was actually pregnant.



On Saturday morning after being pregnant for a week with my husband in another country I started bleeding. It was just spotting but something in my heart told me that this would not lead to good. There was a battle that waged about whether or not it was inevitable or something that the Lord could reverse through enough prayer.



Saturday I rested thanks to Heather and her bed and woke up Sunday morning feeling good. I was able to sing that morning at church and remember tearing up at the lyrics that said "prepare our hearts to risk again." Mike's message that morning dealt with going through what he called the dark night of the soul. I knew the minute the man started preaching that we were about to be traveling into those waters yet again and knew that this time would be much more painful than the first. I knew that we were about to hurt but somehow knew that the truth that Mike was preaching would carry us.



Brandon returned home that night and as soon as we walked into the door of our house I started bleeding heavily. The next morning we went to the doctor and though he would not confirm anything we knew by his emotions and body language that we were not going to get good news. This is where the struggle within me started with God. He had once again let me down and robbed me of what my heart desired. I started trying to reason out what was happening. I started doubting his love for me. I started doubting his goodness and faithfulness. I started hating him and being so mad at him for not answering mine and a host of other people's prayers the way that we all saw fit.



Scared at my emotions and where I felt myself going I decided to go and talk to Pastor Mike. It was a long conversation but one question that he asked brought me back to reality and has stuck with me ever since. Mike asked me if we were to get pregnant and keep the baby the very next month would God all of a sudden become faithful to me? He told me that I was mad at a god that I had designed in my own mind and not the real, living God that doesn't keep bad things from happening but simply sustains us through them.



It has been since that question that I have allowed the Lord to start working through me through this whole ordeal. A few lessons have been learned.


1. That God's faithfulness is not defined by his granting my desires. God is faithful because he carried me through that storm. He is faithful because he saved me. He is faithful because he allowed Brandon to be at home through the whole thing. He IS faithful.


2. His portion is enough. Last week as we sang Amazing Grace, I was floored by the line "he will my shield and portion be as long as life endures." Even if he took away everything from me tomorrow, His death on the cross and the life that it gives me would be enough. Whatever in this life that He chooses to give me will be enough. The more that I stop and take stock of the amazing relationships in my life the more that I realize that I have already been blessed way beyond what I deserve because ultimately I deserve none of it.


3. Resting in Him. From the very first signs of bleeding to just the other night of sitting in His presence in a dim lit sanctuary I am finding out what it means to rest in Him. I have always been a controlling person. I want to be in control. I want to be in control of my schedule, of my routine, of who I let in and out of my life, of my surroundings, and especially my emotions. Stopping and resting means that there is a chance that the Lord might actually want me to deal with some of my past. Stopping means that I will have to be alone with my thoughts which scares me sometimes. But God is calling me to stop and rest in Him and over the past few weeks that is what I have done as hard as it is for me.


In the Garden, Jesus prayed for the cup to be taken away from him. I am learning that it is not wrong to pray for the bad to not happen, the inevitable not to come. However, all I need is the strength to get through whatever may happen.


I don't know that I am to the point that I can say that I am thankful for this struggle but I am thankful for what I have learned through it. I am thankful for the people who have prayed, who have not said anything when nothing needed to be said and have spoken truth when it needed to be heard.


This Sunday I will celebrate the resurrection of Christ is a new light. His portion is enough for me. His death on the cross is what gives me life. In Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light my song. The last few weeks have been one big dark night but morning has finally come. Sunday is here!!

Full Moon

If you don't believe that there is a direct correlation between the full moon and behavior please come to a middle school during one. I am going to do my research and figure out if it is true. I promise you that I can walk into any school in the nation with my eyes close and tell you whether or not it is a full moon. Promise you.

Nothing profound

I really want something profound to say today but really there is nothing. Life just is right now. We are preparing for the CRCT right now which is making me want to punch myself in the face. I hate the CRCT and everything that goes with it. Yeah I know we have to measure our kids and see what they have learned...blah, blah, blah. But I HATE that I have to teach to a test and that so much rides on this one week of academic performance for a child, their teacher and the school.

Cheerleading tryouts are also this week and without a stake in the team next year I could really just care less. I am trying to be nice and help the coach out for next year. I am kinda glad that I am not coaching next year only because I will never, ever, ever, have a squad of girls that were as great as this group. They were all so well behaved. They were so sweet. They were non-dramatic and they were precious. I heart them.

The same can be said for track which is also ending this week. We have our championship on Saturday. Our boys are undefeated in the regular season and stand a great chance to come away with the championship. This has been an incredible group of students that we have been able to work with this year and their parents have been awesome. Not to knock my classroom but it has been nice to teach students who actually appreciate you.

Once this week is over with I have some phenomenal plans. I plan to start the garden. I plan to read. I plan to plan the summer and start some fundraising for my trip to Nicaragua at the end of May. I plan to clean my house some and get a lot thrown away or gone through. I plan to just get my life somewhat back to normal.

So that's it. Boring as can be but sometimes boring is good.

Umm Negative Chief

So I say "negative chief" to just about everything these days. My students have even picked up on it and the other day when I asked one of them to pick up something from around his desk he responded with "negative chief."

Well yesterday I was forced to show my butt and give a rude and inconsiderate young couple a big ol' negative chief. I took yesterday off to go get more blood drawn and to get my passport. Well the blood work had to be fasting blood work. So the plan was to go get the passport at 9:00 a.m. and then go do the blood work. The reasoning behind this was because if you get to the passport line at, oh say 9:15 you are already #25 in line and won't be seen until after lunch.

So I show up at 9:00 and end up standing in line for a little over 2 1/2 hours. Well about 1 3/4 hours a young couple walk into the passport office. They are two unfortunate souls that have to wait behind the girl with the sign that says you will not be seen until after lunch. Because they are loud and because I have teacher hearing, I hear the conversation that they really have somewhere that they need to be and don't have another day to come back and get their passports before their wedding in June. So a woman in the back with her son tells the couple, "see my husband in the visor? I'll text him and tell him to let you in front of him. He can just tell the people that you were there this morning and forgot something." This is where my blood starts to boil. Really? You are actually having this conversation, OUT LOUD, and you think it's ok?

So tweedle dee (the boy) preceedes to walk up in front of this man and act like he has known hm forever. I look around to see if anyone else in line is noticing this and NO ONE seems to care. The longer I stand there I stop asking WWJD (what would Jesus do) and start asking WWKD (what would Kay do) instead. Unfortuanely Kay beat Jesus this time and I promptly go and tell the attendant working there. As I walk back to the line people start giving me the head nod and the thumbs up sign. If I could have slowed it down to slow motion and played the Rocky theme song I would have.

By this time tweedle dum (the girl) has joined them because they are next in line and the lady approaches them and ask how they got to the front of the line. The man who let them cut (which I could have equally punched in the face) starts rambling on about how they were there this morning and how he told them he would save them a place in line. Well....there it went...my mouth shot off with a big NEGATIVE CHIEF. I told her the conversation and told him how the line breaking happened.

Well apparently their stupid sob story won off the dumb lady working there and they were let in ahead of everyone else in line. This includes me who has not eaten all morning and it is now 11:45. I am not going to lie that I tried to trip tweedle dum as she walked out of the office but it didn't work.

Oh well. At least I left knowing that I had said my peace, gotten the thumbs up by the crowd and even threw out a little "negative chief."

Panama Canal

Me to my assistant: Mr. Wheeler actually had a student ask him what country the Panmal Canal is in.

Student: Well

Me: Well what?

Student: What country is it in?

Me: Are you really asking that question?

Student: Isn't it in Georgia.

Me: Really? Georgia?

Student: Yeah we went there for spring break.

Me: See if that is an answer choice on the CRCT.

My homework

Must suck. These kiddos are over it apparently.

Today's writing topic: If you knew the world would end tomorrow, what would you spend today doing?

Student: Not your homework.

Geez

Probability

I am teaching probability in my math class right now.

The probability of ___________ increases when _______________ happens.

So...we are having a conversation about the words certain and impossible. Here is how it went.

Me: There are some things that are certain and some things that are impossible. For example it is certain that tomorrow will be Wednesday and impossible that tomorrow will be Friday.

Student #1: But....but..what if aliens came to Earth and took over our land and made it alien world and change tomorrow to Friday.

Student #2: Well then we would all be screwed and not need probability anyway.

Student #1: Yeah and we wouldn't have homework

Me: You would still have homework.

1There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—
time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

These verses from Ecclesiastes describe a lot in my life right now. We are leaving our season of mourning. That's not to say that there won't be some hard days ahead. They will come. I know it. But you can't stay in a season of mourning forever. Sure what we went through sucked and there for a while it consumed us. But with each passing day you remember that there is a lot in life worth celebrating.


There is a time to plant - and I am going to with my new garden. Grandaddy always planted the gardens around here but since he is gone we feel obligated and honored to be the ones to do it this year.

A time to heal - and heal is what we intend to do. Bitterness and anger have no place in my heart right now. It's not what I was created for. So heal I will.

A time to laugh and dance - we have wept and we have mourned. We are ready to dance and laugh and enjoy our friends and each other and we have many plans this spring and summer to do so. We look cook outs and hanging out with friends and we plan to do it more than our fair share. Life is too short to not enjoy it with the people that you love.

A time to sew - ummmm...I'll leave that to my talented friends.

So here is to celebrating life because that is what we intend to do.

Sara Beth has nothing better to do

than read my blog apparently. So here is her update though we talked for an hour yesterday. By the way SB... I win for today for sure with number one. But let's be honest I probably won last week and this week and might even take the month at the rate I am going. If you want to win or at least catch up something extravagant needs to happen....like the pony cart catching on fire in the middle of the road, a trip to Lady of our Souls Mother Angelic Holy of Holies or whatever the crap that place is, etc.

1. My cousin finally got paroled for murder. Yeah I wrote that. Yeah you read that. Yeah I am from New Hope. Ummm yeah. Moving on.

2. I am on spring break and loving it. So looking forward to the summer when all I have to do is to sit on my butt and do nothing. Actually this week I am cleaning and straightening out some stuff in closets but I am not getting up at 5 AM or being a warden to children.

3. I got an invitation to an invitation only job fair on April 16th. Wish me luck!

4. I am planning on heading back to Crossfit next week if the doctor will ever release me.

5. I AM GOING TO NICARAGUA IN MAY!! I am so excited. I couldn't let my husband go and not do it myself. So he is picking up a few extra shifts, I am making a few extra cakes and we are begging the parents once again. YAY! I'll elaborate more on this in a post soon.

6. Did I mention that my cousin got paroled for murder? Yeah I win.

Got to get back to cleaning the house. If I am going to clean it some of my friends should come see me. Just saying.

Blessings

Amazing song that I heard today and found very fitting for the journey that we are on.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

~ Laura Story

There will always be a Judson

This is my second year in a row that I am not attending J Day. At first it was because of my friend Aundrea's shower. Aundrea is probably my closest friend here in Georgia. We lived together for 2 years. Her brother is the one that brought me here in the first place. This was the only weekend that we could do the shower and she is one of the non-negotiable people in my life.

Even if there were no shower, I still don't think that I could go this year. Not now.

See Judson brings out emotions in you that you sometimes forget that you have. I can go for months without becoming emotional about anything, think about "If the old walls" and I am weeping like a baby. Judson was a place that I felt safe for four years. Now granted we were not in the safest town ever. The local gas station was called the Stop n Stab for Pete's sake. But emotionally I felt safe. Even when our world was crushed or our foundation shaken, we were still somehow safe.

Safe with each other. Safe to share fears and doubts. Safe to ask those tough questions that I am asking right now in my life. Safe to cry. Safe to yell. Safe to smoke and talk about God all at the same time.

We were safe with our professors. Safe to explore what we really and truly believed about our faith. Challenged to throw away all that had been ingrained within us and find our faith and call it our own. Safe to walk across the street to their house when you needed to cry or call them when there was an arrest for your warrant (sorry about that one Dr. Tew. I finally paid that ticket!)

We were safe with our president who knew our name the moment that we came onto campus and who cheered us on as we crossed the stage with diploma in hand.

We were safe knowing that there were a multitude of women who had gone before us and a multitude that would come after us and share the same memories and paths.

Today I don't feel that safe. I feel shattered. I feel vulnerable. I feel let down.

But somehow today as I have been singing those songs in my head I feel safe knowing that there will always be a Judson. Though I may not be there today, Judson means as much to me as Judson means to you.