Open or Closed

I knew there would be a lot of decisions that we would have to make in the process of adoption. Race? We don't care. Gender? Doesn't matter to us. International or Domestic? We've chosen domestic. All these choices have been made and honestly have come quite easily.

The hardest decision ever has been deciding whether or not to do open, semi-open or closed adoption. I try to pull from my own experience through some of these decisions but for this one, my experience is kinda jaded. I knew my birth mother and it wasn't a very pleasant experience. She's not really a nice person (ask Sara Beth) and I don't really like her to be honest with you. I have never met my birth dad but I am really ok with that too. Sure there are moments where I would love to see what he looks like now. Moments where I wonder where he has been all this time. What is his story? How much of his genes have played into my story? Ask how many other children he has donated sperm to but never acknowledged or wanted.

But now here's the decision staring me in the face. What if my baby has birth parents who are actually kind and good but just young and not ready to give this baby a life? What if my baby is in the tummy of a woman who is so desperate to keep her baby and love it like she has the other 5 that she has birthed but knows that she has no money or resources to do so? What if my child will have good people for parents? Can I watch my child bond with the woman that carried them and be ok with it? Can I really keep up with all the communication that is required with an open adoption? Can I really put my heart out there like that? Do I really want the birth parents to know everything about me?

But then again there is the side of closed adoption. When my baby lies awake at night with those doubts and questions, do I really have the right to choose a close adoption and not have those answers for my baby? Can I really keep them from their heritage just to keep my heart protected? It would be so much easier but God has obviously not chosen us for an easier path.

Semi-Open means that all communication will be through the agency. All pictures, all phone calls, all meetings, all letters, everything would be through the agency. It seems like a good choice but she might not be open to it.

Whatever the path, I pray that we make the right choice. The choice that will allow our baby to grow to be a healthy person both emotionally and physically. The choice that will put the pieces together for our child.