Faith like a child...

There are things in life that shake our faith and leave us feeling as though it would be impossible to return to the faith of a child. As those things mount up in this journey we call life, it seems to get harder and harder to return to that faith. With clouded eyes and blurred vision it's hard to even turn back and see what that looks like much less try and remember how it felt. I get so jaded by the world that I wonder sometimes why pray if it will make no difference to "God's will." It's going to happen the way it's going to happen so why try and stop it or change the course that it seems to be on. I worry about things that are out of my control because for once I have found something that I couldn't imagine having to let go of, though i've been in the room when I've let go of someone. I don't really think that you can truly prepare someone for that moment until that sort of moment comes. There are no words to describe that scene. It stays in your mind with you as long as you live. Though time helps you not think about it so much, you never know where you'll be when it hits you. It hits you in the gut most of the time. You are so not ready for the song, the sound, the picture, the touch, the smell that brings you back to that place, but all of a sudden you are there and there's nothing that you can do about it. Morbid as it seems you have to go and replay that scene in your mind just to walk through the process and feel completion. People pray, show up with food and flowers, maybe make a phone call or send a letter when the moment comes. But two years down the road it's just you and your grief and you feel like an idiot for acting the way that you do.

So why keep pushing for things to change, praying for divine intervention to situations around me, asking for this heaviness to be taken away when everyday it just seems to become a cross to hard to bear?

Because I can't stand to live like this anymore. I can't stand to not be able to enjoy the moments I have because of the moments that "might" come sooner than later. I can't stand to be crazy and try to make excuses for it. I can't stand to have my friends wondering what in the hell is wrong with me and why i've become this person because i'm not brave enough to say the words that I'm not ok sometimes. I can't be that person anymore because now I have a husband that depends on me and children who will one day need a mom that's not crazy.

My prayer, everday now, has to be simple. It's really all I've got. Lord, Please help me return to that faith of a child...and help me to hold on. I pray it's in your will.