This time of year....

I use to love this time of year. The color of the leaves. The smell in the air. Just the change of the hot, muggy weather. Till this year.....

I didn't really expect it to be like this. I thought the year anniversary would come, I would have a moment or two, and we would move beyond. I never knew that a month out from that date, I would have some of the worst moments I've had since my daddy passed away. People flock to walk through that moment with you when it happens, and then slowly, you're the one left with the moments that come out of no where. You are the one that is left with the pain, that only you can carry. You are the one that sees everyone around you moving on, but you can't, and you don't want to interupt their lives, because of yours.

Halloween night last year was the night my mom got the call that said they were taking him to the hospital from the nursing home. He had injested some stuff in his lungs, had pneumonia, and was losing blood somewhere. It never got better.

My mom sat by his side, and I joined her later, until November 24th, when he finally passed away.

I am forever marked by that moment. The sights, the smells, the sounds. I close my eyes to this day and hear him dying. I can walk into a hospitial and smell death. I can see the images that unfolded and play them out in my head over and over sometimes, just trying to find closure.

I walked out of the room when he died because I couldn't take it. I said I needed a shower, I really just couldn't do it. I went and took a shower, took my time getting ready to head back to the hospitial, hoping and praying that something would happen before I could get back. It did. And I've lived with that regret ever since. A nurse and my aunt had to help my mom through that moment because I was to coward to stay. Some say he waited on me to leave the room. Maybe. But nevertheless, it's something i've carried with me to this day.

Getting engaged has also brought out these emotions. Daddy would have LOVED Brandon. He would have wanted to talk to him for forever and would have asked him a million questions. He would have told him a million stories. He would have told him how him and Kay met, and how much he loved her. He would have loved to brag about Brandon to everyone and would have introduce him to everyone at the nursing home. Brandon would have been so good with him. He would have just sat and listened and met everyone and pretended to remember them the next time.

We'll light a candle at our wedding to mark his spot there at the altar with us, but nothing will erase the fact that he won't be there. Nothing will change the fact that i'll never be able to make up for lost time with him. Nothing will ever change the fact that I had finally began to love him for who he was and what he was never able to be to me growing up. And I was ok with that. He was my daddy...and that was all that mattered.