If I only had a roof....

Sometimes life would be so much better if I only had my Judson friends and Jennifer's old room or the roof of Barron.

But since i don't...i'll have to settle to write this here.

So...I've talked to at least one mee-maw about this...but thought I would share it for all.

I know that some of you make think may not think of me in this way....or may even say that I am being a hypocrite because of the lifestyle that you once knew of me...and that's fine...i've learn that can't please everybody. But, what I am about to share is very personal and very real to me right now, and I can only pray that it will help someone else.

First let me say that God knew what He was doing when he moved me here (and yes there have been times when I didn't think He did!!!). But God has been working on me so much since I have been here. For instance...He is teaching me about trust. Trusting myself, Trusting others (never been good at that one) and most of all, Trusting Him. If there is one thing that I have never been good at it's been letting go of the control that I have on my life. I know that I suck it up, really bad at times, so why I choose to hold on to so many things, amazes me. But God has really been teaching me that it's time to let go. It's time to turn it over to Him and to trust no matter what. He is teaching me that I have to be broken in order to move on. For so long I've only had myself to fall back on in my life, and so I've placed myself ahead of Him too many times.

To be honest, I'm tired. I'm tired of having empty conversations with friends about the life that I want...instead of the life that I am pursuing. I'm tired of running to others to fix my problems and pray for me...when the ONLY one that can fix them is begging me to come to Him. I'm tired of playing the game in front of this crowd and then acting a totally different way in front of another crowd because I am scared that they will think that i've gone nuts or not accept me. I'm tired of being afraid and living in the past. I'm tired of caring what people think and just living the way that I know that I should.

And so I am learning to let go, to trust Him and to do whatever it takes, no matter what the cost. I am ready to experience a new level in my walk with Christ no matter what others may think or say. I'm ready to trust the people that God has surrounded me with. To LEAN on them and to LEARN from them, but to not burden them or seek attention just because I am needy.

I can't even begin to tell you the level of respect that I have for the pastors and friends that God has blessed me with here, and I can't tell you how thankful I am for the amazing support system that He has blessed me with in my Judson friends and the few friends from home that continue to pray for me, and communicate with me and love me, even though they are disappointed that I am gone.

Don't let me become the person that some of you once knew. If you see me falling into those traps, no matter where you may be personally, slap me out of it. Push me and pray for me.

Even though I have no clue who all may read this...I do know that some of my very best friends will...and to you...and you know who you are...THANK YOU. Thank you for being my friend and for making me a better person. Thank you for loving me just the way I am. Thank you for accepting me, faults and all but pushing me to be all that I can.

Love, Criddy!