Mix of Emotions

All I can say is WOW!

I have no idea how to put into words all of my hopes, dreams and fears now that this process is officially underway.

We had our first home study meeting tonight. Melissa, our case worker, is super sweet and on our side for sure! :) She really likes us and that's a great thing.

We walked through our home study requirements and she was pretty impressed with all my organizational skills. Honestly so am I! I can't believe I have really kept up with all of this paper work. Brandon says when I want something I go until I get it. I guess this has been motivation to stay organized and do what I need to do.

As she began to talk about the possible heartaches that could happen through this process, a part of me wanted to stand up and scream, NO! No, there can't be any more heartache. Don't you know that I have been trying for 2 years, 3 if we are honest, to have a child and for 34 out of 36 times I have gotten my period and wondered why I am broken? Don't you know the other 2 times I lost my baby and experienced grief like I had never imagined was possible. There is no more room for heartache. None.

Truth is...there is more room for heartache. I have not been through what other women have been through. I have never given birth to a still born child. I have never miscarried beyond 6 weeks and for that I am so grateful. There's room I suppose.

My biggest fear throughout this process is that we will be matched and the mother will change her mind during the "dreaded days." The length of those days is different for each state. Florida is two days or as soon as the birth mother is released from the hospital. Georgia is TEN DAYS. 10 days folks. That's a LONG time. Not to mention if the birth father doesn't sign off and comes forward later he can screw with you until the finalization which can take up to 4 months. Ai yi yi.

The thought of finally having a child to love of my own makes me want to take this risk but honestly I am scared now. I am literally placing my future in the hands of the Lord and two birth parents who can have me on a string.

We still feel called to do this even after tonight but I am not going to lie...my heart feels like it is on the chopping block.

We will finish up the final few parts of our paper work this week. We still have the sanitation check, medical reports, Brandon's part of the profile, photographs of us and our house and our FBI clearance. We are going to go through a process that cost more money to get our FBI clearance back quicker. This is because a lot of the grant programs that we are applying for have to have a completed home study first. We are not trying to rush the process but we can only make a good choice of agencies once we know what kind of financial resources we have. We will mail what we have on Monday and then we will set up our individual interviews from there.

While I am organizing all the paper work, Brandon is becoming Mr. Do-it-yourself-Bob-Villa around here. He is getting ready to lay new floors in our nursery room and hallway and he is super excited. He's excited to learn how to do it. I am excited for him and will continue to support him from my computer and paper work on the couch. :)

I know that I am pouring out my heart on this blog these days but to be honest, it's my outlet because I imagine that everyone who reads it cares. It's also a journal to look back on through our journey as well as a sounding board or help to others going through this process. I can't wait to read this journey with a little one in my arms one day and smile at the incredible journey that we are privileged to experience.

Until next time...