Dark Night of the Soul

Reflections on Lent:



It has only been in the last few years that I have ever been challenged to really spend my time going through the season of Lent reflecting upon just what Christ did for me on the cross and what being a Christian is really all about. This season started off like any other Lent with Ash Wednesday. I have to say that Ash Wednesday is my favorite service at our church. This year it was even more phenomenal. The worship was great, we were able to sit with our sister in law and nieces and watch them experience it for the first time and it's always incredible to hear the words, "Go and sin no more" and know that Christ has forgiven us through the cross.



A few weeks after Lent started Brandon left with a team from our church to Nicaragua. As he left there was a little fear in me that always creeps up about his safety. Will the plan land ok? Will there be an earthquake and leave them in disaster? Will there? What if?



But my heart quickly settled with the news that they had landed and I went on about my week expecting it to be lonely and uneventful.



I started feeling bad on Monday and something told me to take a pregnancy test. Since we have never gotten a positive result I didn't feel bad taking the test with Brandon not here. I took the test half hearted fully expecting there to be nothing. When there was a slight something I couldn't believe it. I immediately called Heather Kendrick, because that's who I call for everything, and she confirmed that though faint there was something there. I spent the next hours and days taking test just to confirm that I was actually pregnant.



On Saturday morning after being pregnant for a week with my husband in another country I started bleeding. It was just spotting but something in my heart told me that this would not lead to good. There was a battle that waged about whether or not it was inevitable or something that the Lord could reverse through enough prayer.



Saturday I rested thanks to Heather and her bed and woke up Sunday morning feeling good. I was able to sing that morning at church and remember tearing up at the lyrics that said "prepare our hearts to risk again." Mike's message that morning dealt with going through what he called the dark night of the soul. I knew the minute the man started preaching that we were about to be traveling into those waters yet again and knew that this time would be much more painful than the first. I knew that we were about to hurt but somehow knew that the truth that Mike was preaching would carry us.



Brandon returned home that night and as soon as we walked into the door of our house I started bleeding heavily. The next morning we went to the doctor and though he would not confirm anything we knew by his emotions and body language that we were not going to get good news. This is where the struggle within me started with God. He had once again let me down and robbed me of what my heart desired. I started trying to reason out what was happening. I started doubting his love for me. I started doubting his goodness and faithfulness. I started hating him and being so mad at him for not answering mine and a host of other people's prayers the way that we all saw fit.



Scared at my emotions and where I felt myself going I decided to go and talk to Pastor Mike. It was a long conversation but one question that he asked brought me back to reality and has stuck with me ever since. Mike asked me if we were to get pregnant and keep the baby the very next month would God all of a sudden become faithful to me? He told me that I was mad at a god that I had designed in my own mind and not the real, living God that doesn't keep bad things from happening but simply sustains us through them.



It has been since that question that I have allowed the Lord to start working through me through this whole ordeal. A few lessons have been learned.


1. That God's faithfulness is not defined by his granting my desires. God is faithful because he carried me through that storm. He is faithful because he saved me. He is faithful because he allowed Brandon to be at home through the whole thing. He IS faithful.


2. His portion is enough. Last week as we sang Amazing Grace, I was floored by the line "he will my shield and portion be as long as life endures." Even if he took away everything from me tomorrow, His death on the cross and the life that it gives me would be enough. Whatever in this life that He chooses to give me will be enough. The more that I stop and take stock of the amazing relationships in my life the more that I realize that I have already been blessed way beyond what I deserve because ultimately I deserve none of it.


3. Resting in Him. From the very first signs of bleeding to just the other night of sitting in His presence in a dim lit sanctuary I am finding out what it means to rest in Him. I have always been a controlling person. I want to be in control. I want to be in control of my schedule, of my routine, of who I let in and out of my life, of my surroundings, and especially my emotions. Stopping and resting means that there is a chance that the Lord might actually want me to deal with some of my past. Stopping means that I will have to be alone with my thoughts which scares me sometimes. But God is calling me to stop and rest in Him and over the past few weeks that is what I have done as hard as it is for me.


In the Garden, Jesus prayed for the cup to be taken away from him. I am learning that it is not wrong to pray for the bad to not happen, the inevitable not to come. However, all I need is the strength to get through whatever may happen.


I don't know that I am to the point that I can say that I am thankful for this struggle but I am thankful for what I have learned through it. I am thankful for the people who have prayed, who have not said anything when nothing needed to be said and have spoken truth when it needed to be heard.


This Sunday I will celebrate the resurrection of Christ is a new light. His portion is enough for me. His death on the cross is what gives me life. In Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light my song. The last few weeks have been one big dark night but morning has finally come. Sunday is here!!

Full Moon

If you don't believe that there is a direct correlation between the full moon and behavior please come to a middle school during one. I am going to do my research and figure out if it is true. I promise you that I can walk into any school in the nation with my eyes close and tell you whether or not it is a full moon. Promise you.

Nothing profound

I really want something profound to say today but really there is nothing. Life just is right now. We are preparing for the CRCT right now which is making me want to punch myself in the face. I hate the CRCT and everything that goes with it. Yeah I know we have to measure our kids and see what they have learned...blah, blah, blah. But I HATE that I have to teach to a test and that so much rides on this one week of academic performance for a child, their teacher and the school.

Cheerleading tryouts are also this week and without a stake in the team next year I could really just care less. I am trying to be nice and help the coach out for next year. I am kinda glad that I am not coaching next year only because I will never, ever, ever, have a squad of girls that were as great as this group. They were all so well behaved. They were so sweet. They were non-dramatic and they were precious. I heart them.

The same can be said for track which is also ending this week. We have our championship on Saturday. Our boys are undefeated in the regular season and stand a great chance to come away with the championship. This has been an incredible group of students that we have been able to work with this year and their parents have been awesome. Not to knock my classroom but it has been nice to teach students who actually appreciate you.

Once this week is over with I have some phenomenal plans. I plan to start the garden. I plan to read. I plan to plan the summer and start some fundraising for my trip to Nicaragua at the end of May. I plan to clean my house some and get a lot thrown away or gone through. I plan to just get my life somewhat back to normal.

So that's it. Boring as can be but sometimes boring is good.

Umm Negative Chief

So I say "negative chief" to just about everything these days. My students have even picked up on it and the other day when I asked one of them to pick up something from around his desk he responded with "negative chief."

Well yesterday I was forced to show my butt and give a rude and inconsiderate young couple a big ol' negative chief. I took yesterday off to go get more blood drawn and to get my passport. Well the blood work had to be fasting blood work. So the plan was to go get the passport at 9:00 a.m. and then go do the blood work. The reasoning behind this was because if you get to the passport line at, oh say 9:15 you are already #25 in line and won't be seen until after lunch.

So I show up at 9:00 and end up standing in line for a little over 2 1/2 hours. Well about 1 3/4 hours a young couple walk into the passport office. They are two unfortunate souls that have to wait behind the girl with the sign that says you will not be seen until after lunch. Because they are loud and because I have teacher hearing, I hear the conversation that they really have somewhere that they need to be and don't have another day to come back and get their passports before their wedding in June. So a woman in the back with her son tells the couple, "see my husband in the visor? I'll text him and tell him to let you in front of him. He can just tell the people that you were there this morning and forgot something." This is where my blood starts to boil. Really? You are actually having this conversation, OUT LOUD, and you think it's ok?

So tweedle dee (the boy) preceedes to walk up in front of this man and act like he has known hm forever. I look around to see if anyone else in line is noticing this and NO ONE seems to care. The longer I stand there I stop asking WWJD (what would Jesus do) and start asking WWKD (what would Kay do) instead. Unfortuanely Kay beat Jesus this time and I promptly go and tell the attendant working there. As I walk back to the line people start giving me the head nod and the thumbs up sign. If I could have slowed it down to slow motion and played the Rocky theme song I would have.

By this time tweedle dum (the girl) has joined them because they are next in line and the lady approaches them and ask how they got to the front of the line. The man who let them cut (which I could have equally punched in the face) starts rambling on about how they were there this morning and how he told them he would save them a place in line. Well....there it went...my mouth shot off with a big NEGATIVE CHIEF. I told her the conversation and told him how the line breaking happened.

Well apparently their stupid sob story won off the dumb lady working there and they were let in ahead of everyone else in line. This includes me who has not eaten all morning and it is now 11:45. I am not going to lie that I tried to trip tweedle dum as she walked out of the office but it didn't work.

Oh well. At least I left knowing that I had said my peace, gotten the thumbs up by the crowd and even threw out a little "negative chief."

Panama Canal

Me to my assistant: Mr. Wheeler actually had a student ask him what country the Panmal Canal is in.

Student: Well

Me: Well what?

Student: What country is it in?

Me: Are you really asking that question?

Student: Isn't it in Georgia.

Me: Really? Georgia?

Student: Yeah we went there for spring break.

Me: See if that is an answer choice on the CRCT.

My homework

Must suck. These kiddos are over it apparently.

Today's writing topic: If you knew the world would end tomorrow, what would you spend today doing?

Student: Not your homework.

Geez

Probability

I am teaching probability in my math class right now.

The probability of ___________ increases when _______________ happens.

So...we are having a conversation about the words certain and impossible. Here is how it went.

Me: There are some things that are certain and some things that are impossible. For example it is certain that tomorrow will be Wednesday and impossible that tomorrow will be Friday.

Student #1: But....but..what if aliens came to Earth and took over our land and made it alien world and change tomorrow to Friday.

Student #2: Well then we would all be screwed and not need probability anyway.

Student #1: Yeah and we wouldn't have homework

Me: You would still have homework.

1There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—
time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

These verses from Ecclesiastes describe a lot in my life right now. We are leaving our season of mourning. That's not to say that there won't be some hard days ahead. They will come. I know it. But you can't stay in a season of mourning forever. Sure what we went through sucked and there for a while it consumed us. But with each passing day you remember that there is a lot in life worth celebrating.


There is a time to plant - and I am going to with my new garden. Grandaddy always planted the gardens around here but since he is gone we feel obligated and honored to be the ones to do it this year.

A time to heal - and heal is what we intend to do. Bitterness and anger have no place in my heart right now. It's not what I was created for. So heal I will.

A time to laugh and dance - we have wept and we have mourned. We are ready to dance and laugh and enjoy our friends and each other and we have many plans this spring and summer to do so. We look cook outs and hanging out with friends and we plan to do it more than our fair share. Life is too short to not enjoy it with the people that you love.

A time to sew - ummmm...I'll leave that to my talented friends.

So here is to celebrating life because that is what we intend to do.

Sara Beth has nothing better to do

than read my blog apparently. So here is her update though we talked for an hour yesterday. By the way SB... I win for today for sure with number one. But let's be honest I probably won last week and this week and might even take the month at the rate I am going. If you want to win or at least catch up something extravagant needs to happen....like the pony cart catching on fire in the middle of the road, a trip to Lady of our Souls Mother Angelic Holy of Holies or whatever the crap that place is, etc.

1. My cousin finally got paroled for murder. Yeah I wrote that. Yeah you read that. Yeah I am from New Hope. Ummm yeah. Moving on.

2. I am on spring break and loving it. So looking forward to the summer when all I have to do is to sit on my butt and do nothing. Actually this week I am cleaning and straightening out some stuff in closets but I am not getting up at 5 AM or being a warden to children.

3. I got an invitation to an invitation only job fair on April 16th. Wish me luck!

4. I am planning on heading back to Crossfit next week if the doctor will ever release me.

5. I AM GOING TO NICARAGUA IN MAY!! I am so excited. I couldn't let my husband go and not do it myself. So he is picking up a few extra shifts, I am making a few extra cakes and we are begging the parents once again. YAY! I'll elaborate more on this in a post soon.

6. Did I mention that my cousin got paroled for murder? Yeah I win.

Got to get back to cleaning the house. If I am going to clean it some of my friends should come see me. Just saying.

Blessings

Amazing song that I heard today and found very fitting for the journey that we are on.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

~ Laura Story

There will always be a Judson

This is my second year in a row that I am not attending J Day. At first it was because of my friend Aundrea's shower. Aundrea is probably my closest friend here in Georgia. We lived together for 2 years. Her brother is the one that brought me here in the first place. This was the only weekend that we could do the shower and she is one of the non-negotiable people in my life.

Even if there were no shower, I still don't think that I could go this year. Not now.

See Judson brings out emotions in you that you sometimes forget that you have. I can go for months without becoming emotional about anything, think about "If the old walls" and I am weeping like a baby. Judson was a place that I felt safe for four years. Now granted we were not in the safest town ever. The local gas station was called the Stop n Stab for Pete's sake. But emotionally I felt safe. Even when our world was crushed or our foundation shaken, we were still somehow safe.

Safe with each other. Safe to share fears and doubts. Safe to ask those tough questions that I am asking right now in my life. Safe to cry. Safe to yell. Safe to smoke and talk about God all at the same time.

We were safe with our professors. Safe to explore what we really and truly believed about our faith. Challenged to throw away all that had been ingrained within us and find our faith and call it our own. Safe to walk across the street to their house when you needed to cry or call them when there was an arrest for your warrant (sorry about that one Dr. Tew. I finally paid that ticket!)

We were safe with our president who knew our name the moment that we came onto campus and who cheered us on as we crossed the stage with diploma in hand.

We were safe knowing that there were a multitude of women who had gone before us and a multitude that would come after us and share the same memories and paths.

Today I don't feel that safe. I feel shattered. I feel vulnerable. I feel let down.

But somehow today as I have been singing those songs in my head I feel safe knowing that there will always be a Judson. Though I may not be there today, Judson means as much to me as Judson means to you.

Doing Messy

Brandon and I are smack dab in the middle of another miscarriage. This time we peed on the stick, saw the yes, got our hopes up, and got our hopes dashed.

Sometimes life can be messy. Emotions can get really messy. Messy is not something that most people want to deal with. People want to deal with cookie cutter emotions. Fine. Ok. Doing well. That's all they really want to hear.

So let me answer the question that everyone is asking but no one really wants to hear the real answer. I am not ok. I am not doing well. In fact, honestly, I feel like I am losing my mind. I am mad at my birth mother for birthing 5 children and not taking care of a single one of them. I am mad at God for not answering our prayer and intervening. I am questioning what praying is really suppose to do because obviously it doesn't change his mind. I am questioning my faith. I am wondering if I can really prepare my heart to risk this again. I am angry. I am pissed. I am hurt but yet somehow numb. I am ready for the physical pain to be over with and I am more than ready for the emotional pain to ease. I am tired of holding back tears afraid that I am not ever going to quit crying and I am afraid of feeling like I am losing control.

People don't want to hear that. Instead, they want to hear that I am trusting God to get me through this. That I am leaning on him for the answers. That I am finding my strength in the one who gives it.

It's not that easy folks. It's hard to be transparent. It's hard to be real. It's hard to tell God that you hate him but it's even harder to tell him that you love him when at that moment you don't.

Maybe I am mad at the God that I have made him out to be in my mind.

I just know that I am not ok. I will be. Eventually. One Day. Hopefully soon. But if you are going to ask the question...be ready to deal with the messy answer.

Publix is my friend

There are things I love about Publix. I love how clean the stores (usually) are, their produce and most of the time their meats. I love them even more for their GF stickers. Eating Paleo means that you basically eat Gluten Free. For other issues I usually...usually being the key word...try to stay gluten free is I can. So thanks Publix!!

Re-do

Just so you know...I didn't quit my job on the spot. Just for next year. I will finish out my contract for the end of the year.

So here is a little rant on some of my precious students. I love them but I hate when they state a question not ask it. Example...I can go to the bathroom? I can get a drink of water? I can have a pencil? I don't even fight the battle between may and can anymore. The new battle is....CAN you please ask a question and not tell me what you are going to do but say it in a high pitch voice so that it sounds like you are ASKING me permission to do something you have already STATED that you are going to do.

Yeah...I'm over it.

When Peace Like a River

There are times in life that you have to stand up for yourself and make a decision based on what is best for you. For about the last 30 years my decisions have been 99.9% based on someone else. What makes them happy. How I can help them. Well..this time I made a decision to do what is best for myself. I quit my job. A job that I love. A job that I get to do with students and co-workers that I adore. But a job that drives me into the ground. I lave my house at 6 every morning to drive an hour away and usually don't return until 7 or 8 at night. I have the toughest job at the school with the most preps (classes to plan for) out of anyone in the entire building. So, the choice became easy quickly. I will be trying to find a job that is close to my house that will allow me the chance to live my life with those that I love a little easier. When I get off work I will be able to be home in a matter of minutes not hours. I will be able to keep my beloved OBGYN should we get pregnant and ultimately WHEN I do get pregnant I won't be an hour away from my child. I will also be off in time to go to the gym and will hopefully have time in the morning to get my crap together instead of laying around for just another minute of sleep because my body is so exhausted. So here is to hoping and praying for the right job close to my house!!

Until next time...

Complete Randomness

I have not vowed like my good friend SB to blog more this year but since I can't be outdone by her...here is a list of enlightening facts about my current life!

1. I have not worked out in over a month and it is killing me. I hurt my knee back in December and it has kept me on the side line for almost a month now. A year ago it would have been a welcome reprieve from excising. Right now it is just a pain in my butt....or well knee!

2. Not working out = eating like crap. No excuses...I know, I know. But when you can't work out it kinda kills the motivation to eat right.

1 + 2 = 3 I have to get my crap together and just do it again. The tough/easy part comes from knowing that I know I can do it. Time to face my fears and just go do it again.

4. Please do not ask me when I am going to have a child, why I don't have children yet as though because I am 30 my baby making years are nearly up (have you seen the Duggar woman), or tell me to go make a baby like it's really that easy. I understand for some folks looking at the opposite sex works for them and they can pop out a kid, however, it doesn't work like that for me apparently. So...let me and the doctors handle it and when I do in fact get pregnant you will be the first to know...or probably not. I have a list and if you aren't a Mee-Maw or one of 5 other people you can read about it along with the rest of the free world on Facebook.

5. Brandon is doing great as a fire fighter and I am adjusting to my job as a single mom to 2 dogs every 3rd night of my life. The dogs are the only thing that keep me sane at night only because they bark like a bunch of wild things when someone comes near our house.

6. I am starting my Specialist in the summer. I have no kids..see #4 if you want to know when...so why not get another degree. I am doing it with 2 former co-workers and a current co-worker so I am hoping that my lack of discipline, motivation or responsibility will be kept in check by these 3. I have never had to take classes online before so this will be a change for me.

7. Our church is awesome. Really. Awesome. I love our church and love what God is doing through the people that make up Celebration. We have partnered with a town in Nicaragua and Brandon is leaving in March to go on a mission trip for a week to Jinotega, Nicaragua. I love that we will celebrate Lent starting in March with Ash Wednesday service. This service is one of my favorite services that we hold at our church. We close out Lent with Holy week with a Maundy Thursday service (foot washing basically...not my favorite service), Good Friday at the Cross, Sunrise on Easter and baptism during the regular Easter service. We love our small group made up of the Kendricks and Deatons (our marriage mentors.) We are also so excited that our sister (in-law) and 3 nieces are now attending Celebration with us!!

8. Cakes - I have a wedding cake to do in May. I am not going to lie when I say that I am nervous but I am also confident that with a great team of friends helping me it is going to be amazing!! Well that's what I am hoping for anyway.

And that's about it! You have now been caught up with the Peevys and our little world! Until next time.

2010

I think that this picture pretty much sums up my 2010. When I look back to 2010 I will remember it as a year of amazing change, growth, hurt, disappointment, love and grace.

Here's the annual month to month re-cap.

January - Was determined to start the year off better than 2009 ended. It didn't take much. It was a great month of getting to celebrate so many friends that were expanding their families either through marriage or snugly little babies.

Jan/Feb The mee-maws got together a little later than normal for Christmas and I finally got what I always wanted for Christmas. A HIPPOPOTAMUS!!



February - March was pretty calm and rather uneventful.

April started off first of 16 weddings this year. We were able to celebrate with Abby and Kevin on their BIG day! I also was able to present my capstone for my graduate school and PASSED!


Another HUGE moment happened in April when Brandon started his first of 32 weeks in the Fire Academy. He started with the EMT portion and came home wiped out every day. We spent most of our night studying and writing papers between the two of us. We were such a fun couple! :)

May - We continued the wedding celebration with Stephanie and Ricky. I got to make the groom's soccer cake and it was SO much fun to do.



The BEST and BIGGEST news was my GRADUATION from GRAD school. Praise the Lord it was all finally over.



June - was filled with even MORE weddings as we celebrated Keith and Kaitlyn and Maggie and Brian.

It was during this time that school was letting out for the summer (thank you JESUS) and I knew I had to use the summer to get control of my life. For years I have bounced back and forth with my weight. Lose a little...gain a LOT. My husband had begun Crossfit in December as a way to train for the academy. With him officially in the academy we had the funds for me to be able to start Crossfit. For more of the back story you can read my other blog at www.journeythroughcrossfit.blogspot.com.

To say that it has changed my life is an huge understatement. It was the beginning of the best decision I have ever made...to care enough about myself to save myself.

July - Hey guess what...we went to another wedding. This time they were crazy enough to invite our crew to the Ritz at Lack Oconee. Carrie Underwood's wedding was the weekend before we were there. She was afraid of being upstaged by us. (Just kidding)

The theme of the weekend quickly became "We will never have the chance to be here again.." and many memories were made. The ones we remember or can tell without incriminating ourselves. By the end of the night the Bakers were wed and no one went to jail.





August - School once again started and I continued my journey through crossfit. We started a Paleo Challenge at the gym. Veggies, Meat, nuts and seeds, some fruit, water for 12 weeks.

September - I was able to hit some of my major fitness goals such as finally getting a pull up using the bands. I also began training for my first 5k which was the weekend after my 30th birthday. During September Brandon endured more training with the fire portion of the Fire Academy and was literally wiped out every afternoon when came home.






The challenge was well underway but I was struggling. Ben, the lead trainer at the gym, suggested that I enter into a contract with him for 30 days to show me just how much my body could change if I stuck with the program. Starting September 17th I started the contract and stuck to it religiously for 30 days.

OCTOBER - is always a BIG month for me because well...it's my birthday! We celebrated yet another wedding with Tony and Emily and wished Tyne and Tim well from afar.



Turning 30 was not as bad as I imagined thanks to the fact that I was feeling stronger and healthier than I had ever felt. The week after my birthday I ran my first 5k and finished in 48 minutes. It was amazing to have over 20 something people run the race with me. Betsy even had t-shirts made because t-shirts make everything better.








The night of the 5K we celebrated with friends from every area of our lives. It was our Christy's Birthday 5k/Brandon's graduation from the fire academy party. It was incredible to be reminded of all the amazing people who love and support the two of us.







The challenge finally ended and I came up with 3rd place.



Sadly the day that Brandon graduated from the Fire Academy his granddaddy passed away. Mr. Jerry was a phenomenal man of God who loved his family very much. I never felt like an -in law to him. It was only fitting that we were able to celebrate Brandon, something he loved to do, in the midst of such tragedy.

My husband went through with the graduation that night and it was incredible seeing him become a fire fighter. He worked hard for 32 weeks and saw his dream become a reality. I am so proud of him and his dedication to his new job.



November - We were able to travel to Alabama for my friend Marie's wedding. It was fun to see Marie marry Erik and get to see my Judson friends.








I also went to my first family wedding without Brandon because of his work schedule. This is going to take some getting use to.

has been filled adjusting to Brandon's new schedule and continuing through the journey of becoming healthier. We took family pictures towards the end of Nov and it was fun to see the changes that I have made. I look forward to many more to become. It is a journey. A lifestyle. This time it has to be different.










So...there is our year. As we look to 2011 I pray that it is a year of miracles and many more blessings. I pray that we all laugh more than we cry and that we love more than we can ever imagine.

Father's Day

Father's Day has always been really hard for me. Growing up it was hard being my daddy's daughter. When I turned 5 my daddy was forced into early retirement through his company. After that he slipped into a deep, dark, depression that held him captive for many years. The only happy memories that I have of him are in picture before my 5th birthday. These pictures and the stories of my family are really the only evidence that I had that my father really loved me. When I turned 19 his depression snapped and went to the opposite extremes. Instead of being depressed, you couldn't shut the man up. Instead of only going to get gas for the lawn mower and a hair cut, he ran the streets of New Hope and surrounding counties from 3 a.m. till dark. We never knew where he was or what he was doing. He put my mother through hell while I was at college. After college I moved back in with my parents and the antics continued. Finally, his health started to really get him down and most of his annoyance came at home. Yelling at us, the cat, and just being weird. We ended up having to put him in a nursing home. Mom went everyday. I went when she laid the guilt trip on thick enough. By this time I was living in Georgia and my trips became less frequent.

October 31st, 2006 I got a phone call that daddy had aspirated soup into his lungs that were already infected with COPD. November 18th, 2006 I got a call to come home and help make decisions regarding his life.

I left that Tuesday morning from Georgia and made the trip back home to New Hope. I had talked to mom earlier and she told me that he was coming in and out. Talking a little bit, eating some but that she could tell something was happening. I walked into the room and went to one side of the bed and hugged my mother. My daddy woke up and called me Crissy. I went to the other side of his bed, held his hands as he told me he loved me. Those were his final words on this earth.

It's taken me 4 years to really process that moment. Those moments leading up to his death. The remaining moments counting breaths and watching something happen inside of that room that only my daddy and Jesus could see happening. In those moments, I hated him, loved him, forgave him, resented him. I stayed in the room night and day until finally I could smell death and myself. I went to take a shower and no more than 5 minutes after I left the room, my daddy left this world. I really don't think he wanted me there to have to see that. To have to see his spirit leave his body. My aunt Gertha who is now also gone was there with my mother that day. When I walked back into the room the sweet Asian nurse was singing Amazing Grace over my daddy.

He loved me. I know that now. Sometimes I mourn his life, other times I mourn what I never had in him. It wasn't his fault and I know that he did everything that he could to give me a great life.

I pray for the daddy that Brandon will be one day. I pray that our children are not robbed of a father physically or mentally. I pray that my children will not have to look at pictures to get the sense that their father loves them but know it at every turn that they make. I pray that through Brandon they will be able to see the Father's love for them.

I treasure the pictures and look forward to the future.

Thank you for being a friend Blanche

That sucks! Cue up the old episodes of Golden Girls.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KiQzUEc_FmI

School's out for summer!

Go ahead and sing it in your head because I know you want to. I'm shouting it out loud. This has been a rough year to be an educator. We were furloughed for 7 days this year. That meant no planning days at all and for those of you who think you should be able to plan and do all that we have to do in an hour's planning time...get real. It also meant a reduction in pay which came at a time that Brandon was entering the fire academy and taking HIS reduction in pay. At the end of the day we are both blessed to have jobs and that's really all that matters. A little couponing here and there and just being smarter with our money really helped us out and taught us a lot for the future.

It is also weird to think that I will never have to spend another summer (or fall and spring for that matter) at grad school. Finishing my master's degree was definitely a huge accomplishment and I am so glad that I did it. But I am so glad that I am done. For 3 years I drove 2 hours each night, 3 nights a week to Athens, Georgia. You can imagine the money we are saving not having to pay that gas bill anymore.

So onto summer. I have lots of plans for this house and all the crap shoved into closets for the summer. I also want to finish up some of our remodeling projects by fixing up the office area. But mainly I will enjoy some time to concentrate on all the things that I have let go by the way side while school has been in session. It is time to concentrate on me for a little while. No more school, no more grad school, just me time. Life is good.

So...bring it on summer. I'm ready!