Dark Night of the Soul

Reflections on Lent:



It has only been in the last few years that I have ever been challenged to really spend my time going through the season of Lent reflecting upon just what Christ did for me on the cross and what being a Christian is really all about. This season started off like any other Lent with Ash Wednesday. I have to say that Ash Wednesday is my favorite service at our church. This year it was even more phenomenal. The worship was great, we were able to sit with our sister in law and nieces and watch them experience it for the first time and it's always incredible to hear the words, "Go and sin no more" and know that Christ has forgiven us through the cross.



A few weeks after Lent started Brandon left with a team from our church to Nicaragua. As he left there was a little fear in me that always creeps up about his safety. Will the plan land ok? Will there be an earthquake and leave them in disaster? Will there? What if?



But my heart quickly settled with the news that they had landed and I went on about my week expecting it to be lonely and uneventful.



I started feeling bad on Monday and something told me to take a pregnancy test. Since we have never gotten a positive result I didn't feel bad taking the test with Brandon not here. I took the test half hearted fully expecting there to be nothing. When there was a slight something I couldn't believe it. I immediately called Heather Kendrick, because that's who I call for everything, and she confirmed that though faint there was something there. I spent the next hours and days taking test just to confirm that I was actually pregnant.



On Saturday morning after being pregnant for a week with my husband in another country I started bleeding. It was just spotting but something in my heart told me that this would not lead to good. There was a battle that waged about whether or not it was inevitable or something that the Lord could reverse through enough prayer.



Saturday I rested thanks to Heather and her bed and woke up Sunday morning feeling good. I was able to sing that morning at church and remember tearing up at the lyrics that said "prepare our hearts to risk again." Mike's message that morning dealt with going through what he called the dark night of the soul. I knew the minute the man started preaching that we were about to be traveling into those waters yet again and knew that this time would be much more painful than the first. I knew that we were about to hurt but somehow knew that the truth that Mike was preaching would carry us.



Brandon returned home that night and as soon as we walked into the door of our house I started bleeding heavily. The next morning we went to the doctor and though he would not confirm anything we knew by his emotions and body language that we were not going to get good news. This is where the struggle within me started with God. He had once again let me down and robbed me of what my heart desired. I started trying to reason out what was happening. I started doubting his love for me. I started doubting his goodness and faithfulness. I started hating him and being so mad at him for not answering mine and a host of other people's prayers the way that we all saw fit.



Scared at my emotions and where I felt myself going I decided to go and talk to Pastor Mike. It was a long conversation but one question that he asked brought me back to reality and has stuck with me ever since. Mike asked me if we were to get pregnant and keep the baby the very next month would God all of a sudden become faithful to me? He told me that I was mad at a god that I had designed in my own mind and not the real, living God that doesn't keep bad things from happening but simply sustains us through them.



It has been since that question that I have allowed the Lord to start working through me through this whole ordeal. A few lessons have been learned.


1. That God's faithfulness is not defined by his granting my desires. God is faithful because he carried me through that storm. He is faithful because he saved me. He is faithful because he allowed Brandon to be at home through the whole thing. He IS faithful.


2. His portion is enough. Last week as we sang Amazing Grace, I was floored by the line "he will my shield and portion be as long as life endures." Even if he took away everything from me tomorrow, His death on the cross and the life that it gives me would be enough. Whatever in this life that He chooses to give me will be enough. The more that I stop and take stock of the amazing relationships in my life the more that I realize that I have already been blessed way beyond what I deserve because ultimately I deserve none of it.


3. Resting in Him. From the very first signs of bleeding to just the other night of sitting in His presence in a dim lit sanctuary I am finding out what it means to rest in Him. I have always been a controlling person. I want to be in control. I want to be in control of my schedule, of my routine, of who I let in and out of my life, of my surroundings, and especially my emotions. Stopping and resting means that there is a chance that the Lord might actually want me to deal with some of my past. Stopping means that I will have to be alone with my thoughts which scares me sometimes. But God is calling me to stop and rest in Him and over the past few weeks that is what I have done as hard as it is for me.


In the Garden, Jesus prayed for the cup to be taken away from him. I am learning that it is not wrong to pray for the bad to not happen, the inevitable not to come. However, all I need is the strength to get through whatever may happen.


I don't know that I am to the point that I can say that I am thankful for this struggle but I am thankful for what I have learned through it. I am thankful for the people who have prayed, who have not said anything when nothing needed to be said and have spoken truth when it needed to be heard.


This Sunday I will celebrate the resurrection of Christ is a new light. His portion is enough for me. His death on the cross is what gives me life. In Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light my song. The last few weeks have been one big dark night but morning has finally come. Sunday is here!!