Things to do this summer...

Assuming that for some reason I stay in education I plan to make the best use of this summer. So here is an ever growing list of things I plan to do this summer. We'll see how it goes.

1. Read. Lots. I never read anymore unless it has to do with school. So you should start sending me your favorites and I'll review the book here on the blog with a shout out to you for recommending it. Even if it is bad. *** Sara Beth...No I will not read Angels and freaking Demons ***

2. Plant and keep my little garden. I am hoping that this garden both saves me money and causes me to want to eat a little healthier since I will have fresh veggies when I want them.

3. Visit Savannah, Georgia with the honey for our belated anniversary (mom needed power so she came to Georgia and booted us out of our already paid hotel in Chattanooga but we love her anyway and glad she is alive) trip.

4. Lay by the pool, in the pool, on the pool, around the pool, near the pool and every other preposition I can find to say I WILL BE AT A POOL...A LOT. I say this every year but I am damned and determine to make it happen this year!

5. Help out at our church a little more this summer. It will be a good time to help get some stuff organized as we move into a time of growth. Hoping that this will lead to some pretty neat things in the near(er) future.

6. Not buy a single cleaning product without a coupon. Since a lot of the food that we buy doesn't come with coupons, I have decided to get back into the coupon world through cleaning supplies. My goal is to not buy a single cleaning supply without some type of coupon or deal. I am pretty particular about my make up and hair stuff so I am just going to stick with cleaning stuff and see what happens over the summer money wise.

7. Set up our guest bed room. I hesitate to write this because there is nothing that I hate worse in the world than painting. But...this needs to be done and I am just going to have to suck it up and do it.

8. Have the Judson girls up to the river for a late summer reunion. Stay tuned for more information.

9. Go on random trips to the beach. We have a trip planned for the beginning of summer but I really want to take a few spur of the moment, cheap trips to A beach this summer with random girl friends. We'll see if it happens.

10. Get back into Crossfit full time. I am easing back into this and I have to say I am pretty surprised how easy it was to fire this back up.

So there you have it. My top ten things to do this summer. I. AM. PUMPED.

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

I really feel like I am not living out my dreams or using my talents where they need to be used. I knew in high school that I was suppose to be in ministry. I knew it in college and that's why I went to FBC New Hope to be the children's minister. I felt it strong enough to move to Georgia, leaving everything that I had and knew to start a new journey in ministry. Because the TCAMC never went anywhere I was scared and fell into teaching. It was more of a safety net than anything. I enjoy teaching and at times love certain aspects of it but I am not PASSIONATE about it. I am passionate about seeing people plug into places within a church and find their place of service. I am passionate about coordinating events and can do them with my eyes closed. I am passionate about seeing youth deepen their relationship with Christ and about putting a community of believers together in groups. That's what I am passionate about. I don't want to be a children's or youth pastor necessarily. Just someone behind the scenes making it all happen.

The problem is rarely does this type of job 1. exist 2. provide a reliable or comparable income to teaching 3. offer security down the road. So now I am caught in limbo wondering if I am suppose to continue and pursue another teaching job, hope it's a good situation and learn to love it OR put myself out there and follow my dreams. I don't want to live with regret but I don't want to put Brandon and I in any danger now or later but I miss that girl of 2006 who took a risk and followed God's calling.

I guess this is my moment to throw out my fleece and see what encouragement, confirmation, warnings you guys might give me. Let's hear it.

Dark Night of the Soul

Reflections on Lent:



It has only been in the last few years that I have ever been challenged to really spend my time going through the season of Lent reflecting upon just what Christ did for me on the cross and what being a Christian is really all about. This season started off like any other Lent with Ash Wednesday. I have to say that Ash Wednesday is my favorite service at our church. This year it was even more phenomenal. The worship was great, we were able to sit with our sister in law and nieces and watch them experience it for the first time and it's always incredible to hear the words, "Go and sin no more" and know that Christ has forgiven us through the cross.



A few weeks after Lent started Brandon left with a team from our church to Nicaragua. As he left there was a little fear in me that always creeps up about his safety. Will the plan land ok? Will there be an earthquake and leave them in disaster? Will there? What if?



But my heart quickly settled with the news that they had landed and I went on about my week expecting it to be lonely and uneventful.



I started feeling bad on Monday and something told me to take a pregnancy test. Since we have never gotten a positive result I didn't feel bad taking the test with Brandon not here. I took the test half hearted fully expecting there to be nothing. When there was a slight something I couldn't believe it. I immediately called Heather Kendrick, because that's who I call for everything, and she confirmed that though faint there was something there. I spent the next hours and days taking test just to confirm that I was actually pregnant.



On Saturday morning after being pregnant for a week with my husband in another country I started bleeding. It was just spotting but something in my heart told me that this would not lead to good. There was a battle that waged about whether or not it was inevitable or something that the Lord could reverse through enough prayer.



Saturday I rested thanks to Heather and her bed and woke up Sunday morning feeling good. I was able to sing that morning at church and remember tearing up at the lyrics that said "prepare our hearts to risk again." Mike's message that morning dealt with going through what he called the dark night of the soul. I knew the minute the man started preaching that we were about to be traveling into those waters yet again and knew that this time would be much more painful than the first. I knew that we were about to hurt but somehow knew that the truth that Mike was preaching would carry us.



Brandon returned home that night and as soon as we walked into the door of our house I started bleeding heavily. The next morning we went to the doctor and though he would not confirm anything we knew by his emotions and body language that we were not going to get good news. This is where the struggle within me started with God. He had once again let me down and robbed me of what my heart desired. I started trying to reason out what was happening. I started doubting his love for me. I started doubting his goodness and faithfulness. I started hating him and being so mad at him for not answering mine and a host of other people's prayers the way that we all saw fit.



Scared at my emotions and where I felt myself going I decided to go and talk to Pastor Mike. It was a long conversation but one question that he asked brought me back to reality and has stuck with me ever since. Mike asked me if we were to get pregnant and keep the baby the very next month would God all of a sudden become faithful to me? He told me that I was mad at a god that I had designed in my own mind and not the real, living God that doesn't keep bad things from happening but simply sustains us through them.



It has been since that question that I have allowed the Lord to start working through me through this whole ordeal. A few lessons have been learned.


1. That God's faithfulness is not defined by his granting my desires. God is faithful because he carried me through that storm. He is faithful because he saved me. He is faithful because he allowed Brandon to be at home through the whole thing. He IS faithful.


2. His portion is enough. Last week as we sang Amazing Grace, I was floored by the line "he will my shield and portion be as long as life endures." Even if he took away everything from me tomorrow, His death on the cross and the life that it gives me would be enough. Whatever in this life that He chooses to give me will be enough. The more that I stop and take stock of the amazing relationships in my life the more that I realize that I have already been blessed way beyond what I deserve because ultimately I deserve none of it.


3. Resting in Him. From the very first signs of bleeding to just the other night of sitting in His presence in a dim lit sanctuary I am finding out what it means to rest in Him. I have always been a controlling person. I want to be in control. I want to be in control of my schedule, of my routine, of who I let in and out of my life, of my surroundings, and especially my emotions. Stopping and resting means that there is a chance that the Lord might actually want me to deal with some of my past. Stopping means that I will have to be alone with my thoughts which scares me sometimes. But God is calling me to stop and rest in Him and over the past few weeks that is what I have done as hard as it is for me.


In the Garden, Jesus prayed for the cup to be taken away from him. I am learning that it is not wrong to pray for the bad to not happen, the inevitable not to come. However, all I need is the strength to get through whatever may happen.


I don't know that I am to the point that I can say that I am thankful for this struggle but I am thankful for what I have learned through it. I am thankful for the people who have prayed, who have not said anything when nothing needed to be said and have spoken truth when it needed to be heard.


This Sunday I will celebrate the resurrection of Christ is a new light. His portion is enough for me. His death on the cross is what gives me life. In Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light my song. The last few weeks have been one big dark night but morning has finally come. Sunday is here!!

Full Moon

If you don't believe that there is a direct correlation between the full moon and behavior please come to a middle school during one. I am going to do my research and figure out if it is true. I promise you that I can walk into any school in the nation with my eyes close and tell you whether or not it is a full moon. Promise you.

Nothing profound

I really want something profound to say today but really there is nothing. Life just is right now. We are preparing for the CRCT right now which is making me want to punch myself in the face. I hate the CRCT and everything that goes with it. Yeah I know we have to measure our kids and see what they have learned...blah, blah, blah. But I HATE that I have to teach to a test and that so much rides on this one week of academic performance for a child, their teacher and the school.

Cheerleading tryouts are also this week and without a stake in the team next year I could really just care less. I am trying to be nice and help the coach out for next year. I am kinda glad that I am not coaching next year only because I will never, ever, ever, have a squad of girls that were as great as this group. They were all so well behaved. They were so sweet. They were non-dramatic and they were precious. I heart them.

The same can be said for track which is also ending this week. We have our championship on Saturday. Our boys are undefeated in the regular season and stand a great chance to come away with the championship. This has been an incredible group of students that we have been able to work with this year and their parents have been awesome. Not to knock my classroom but it has been nice to teach students who actually appreciate you.

Once this week is over with I have some phenomenal plans. I plan to start the garden. I plan to read. I plan to plan the summer and start some fundraising for my trip to Nicaragua at the end of May. I plan to clean my house some and get a lot thrown away or gone through. I plan to just get my life somewhat back to normal.

So that's it. Boring as can be but sometimes boring is good.

Umm Negative Chief

So I say "negative chief" to just about everything these days. My students have even picked up on it and the other day when I asked one of them to pick up something from around his desk he responded with "negative chief."

Well yesterday I was forced to show my butt and give a rude and inconsiderate young couple a big ol' negative chief. I took yesterday off to go get more blood drawn and to get my passport. Well the blood work had to be fasting blood work. So the plan was to go get the passport at 9:00 a.m. and then go do the blood work. The reasoning behind this was because if you get to the passport line at, oh say 9:15 you are already #25 in line and won't be seen until after lunch.

So I show up at 9:00 and end up standing in line for a little over 2 1/2 hours. Well about 1 3/4 hours a young couple walk into the passport office. They are two unfortunate souls that have to wait behind the girl with the sign that says you will not be seen until after lunch. Because they are loud and because I have teacher hearing, I hear the conversation that they really have somewhere that they need to be and don't have another day to come back and get their passports before their wedding in June. So a woman in the back with her son tells the couple, "see my husband in the visor? I'll text him and tell him to let you in front of him. He can just tell the people that you were there this morning and forgot something." This is where my blood starts to boil. Really? You are actually having this conversation, OUT LOUD, and you think it's ok?

So tweedle dee (the boy) preceedes to walk up in front of this man and act like he has known hm forever. I look around to see if anyone else in line is noticing this and NO ONE seems to care. The longer I stand there I stop asking WWJD (what would Jesus do) and start asking WWKD (what would Kay do) instead. Unfortuanely Kay beat Jesus this time and I promptly go and tell the attendant working there. As I walk back to the line people start giving me the head nod and the thumbs up sign. If I could have slowed it down to slow motion and played the Rocky theme song I would have.

By this time tweedle dum (the girl) has joined them because they are next in line and the lady approaches them and ask how they got to the front of the line. The man who let them cut (which I could have equally punched in the face) starts rambling on about how they were there this morning and how he told them he would save them a place in line. Well....there it went...my mouth shot off with a big NEGATIVE CHIEF. I told her the conversation and told him how the line breaking happened.

Well apparently their stupid sob story won off the dumb lady working there and they were let in ahead of everyone else in line. This includes me who has not eaten all morning and it is now 11:45. I am not going to lie that I tried to trip tweedle dum as she walked out of the office but it didn't work.

Oh well. At least I left knowing that I had said my peace, gotten the thumbs up by the crowd and even threw out a little "negative chief."

Panama Canal

Me to my assistant: Mr. Wheeler actually had a student ask him what country the Panmal Canal is in.

Student: Well

Me: Well what?

Student: What country is it in?

Me: Are you really asking that question?

Student: Isn't it in Georgia.

Me: Really? Georgia?

Student: Yeah we went there for spring break.

Me: See if that is an answer choice on the CRCT.

My homework

Must suck. These kiddos are over it apparently.

Today's writing topic: If you knew the world would end tomorrow, what would you spend today doing?

Student: Not your homework.

Geez

Probability

I am teaching probability in my math class right now.

The probability of ___________ increases when _______________ happens.

So...we are having a conversation about the words certain and impossible. Here is how it went.

Me: There are some things that are certain and some things that are impossible. For example it is certain that tomorrow will be Wednesday and impossible that tomorrow will be Friday.

Student #1: But....but..what if aliens came to Earth and took over our land and made it alien world and change tomorrow to Friday.

Student #2: Well then we would all be screwed and not need probability anyway.

Student #1: Yeah and we wouldn't have homework

Me: You would still have homework.

1There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—
time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

These verses from Ecclesiastes describe a lot in my life right now. We are leaving our season of mourning. That's not to say that there won't be some hard days ahead. They will come. I know it. But you can't stay in a season of mourning forever. Sure what we went through sucked and there for a while it consumed us. But with each passing day you remember that there is a lot in life worth celebrating.


There is a time to plant - and I am going to with my new garden. Grandaddy always planted the gardens around here but since he is gone we feel obligated and honored to be the ones to do it this year.

A time to heal - and heal is what we intend to do. Bitterness and anger have no place in my heart right now. It's not what I was created for. So heal I will.

A time to laugh and dance - we have wept and we have mourned. We are ready to dance and laugh and enjoy our friends and each other and we have many plans this spring and summer to do so. We look cook outs and hanging out with friends and we plan to do it more than our fair share. Life is too short to not enjoy it with the people that you love.

A time to sew - ummmm...I'll leave that to my talented friends.

So here is to celebrating life because that is what we intend to do.

Sara Beth has nothing better to do

than read my blog apparently. So here is her update though we talked for an hour yesterday. By the way SB... I win for today for sure with number one. But let's be honest I probably won last week and this week and might even take the month at the rate I am going. If you want to win or at least catch up something extravagant needs to happen....like the pony cart catching on fire in the middle of the road, a trip to Lady of our Souls Mother Angelic Holy of Holies or whatever the crap that place is, etc.

1. My cousin finally got paroled for murder. Yeah I wrote that. Yeah you read that. Yeah I am from New Hope. Ummm yeah. Moving on.

2. I am on spring break and loving it. So looking forward to the summer when all I have to do is to sit on my butt and do nothing. Actually this week I am cleaning and straightening out some stuff in closets but I am not getting up at 5 AM or being a warden to children.

3. I got an invitation to an invitation only job fair on April 16th. Wish me luck!

4. I am planning on heading back to Crossfit next week if the doctor will ever release me.

5. I AM GOING TO NICARAGUA IN MAY!! I am so excited. I couldn't let my husband go and not do it myself. So he is picking up a few extra shifts, I am making a few extra cakes and we are begging the parents once again. YAY! I'll elaborate more on this in a post soon.

6. Did I mention that my cousin got paroled for murder? Yeah I win.

Got to get back to cleaning the house. If I am going to clean it some of my friends should come see me. Just saying.

Blessings

Amazing song that I heard today and found very fitting for the journey that we are on.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home,
It's not our home

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

~ Laura Story

There will always be a Judson

This is my second year in a row that I am not attending J Day. At first it was because of my friend Aundrea's shower. Aundrea is probably my closest friend here in Georgia. We lived together for 2 years. Her brother is the one that brought me here in the first place. This was the only weekend that we could do the shower and she is one of the non-negotiable people in my life.

Even if there were no shower, I still don't think that I could go this year. Not now.

See Judson brings out emotions in you that you sometimes forget that you have. I can go for months without becoming emotional about anything, think about "If the old walls" and I am weeping like a baby. Judson was a place that I felt safe for four years. Now granted we were not in the safest town ever. The local gas station was called the Stop n Stab for Pete's sake. But emotionally I felt safe. Even when our world was crushed or our foundation shaken, we were still somehow safe.

Safe with each other. Safe to share fears and doubts. Safe to ask those tough questions that I am asking right now in my life. Safe to cry. Safe to yell. Safe to smoke and talk about God all at the same time.

We were safe with our professors. Safe to explore what we really and truly believed about our faith. Challenged to throw away all that had been ingrained within us and find our faith and call it our own. Safe to walk across the street to their house when you needed to cry or call them when there was an arrest for your warrant (sorry about that one Dr. Tew. I finally paid that ticket!)

We were safe with our president who knew our name the moment that we came onto campus and who cheered us on as we crossed the stage with diploma in hand.

We were safe knowing that there were a multitude of women who had gone before us and a multitude that would come after us and share the same memories and paths.

Today I don't feel that safe. I feel shattered. I feel vulnerable. I feel let down.

But somehow today as I have been singing those songs in my head I feel safe knowing that there will always be a Judson. Though I may not be there today, Judson means as much to me as Judson means to you.