Soul Stirring

I love it when God plants a thought, scripture, phrase, song into my soul and just stirs it. The ones that you know can only be from from the Lord. The ones that stay with you and bring you unbelievable peace and joy. The one that calms you, settles you, makes you smile, or just plain sets you free.

The past few weeks I have been moaning, complaining, worrying, all of those things that I am not suppose to be doing about some of my current situations.

One of my friends simply shared this verse with me and it does all of those things that my soul is desperate for right now.

1But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
3For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

My heart is resting in this verse right now.

Trip to Savannah

We decided the first year that we were married not to give each other gifts for our anniversary. Instead of gifts we try to take a trip every year. We don't always get to take the trip the weekend of our anniversary (that's what happens when you get married on the weekend of your annual family reunion.)

With Brandon working at the fire department we had to wait until he could swap some vacation time with other fire fighters. We didn't have many days this year so we decided on a quick trip to Savannah, Ga.

Savannah was amazing! No, we didn't eat at Paula Dean's because the line was ridiculous (did I mention we went in July??) to have your name put on a list for a time to come and eat. That was a little disappointing but the trip was still incredible.

Brandon and his priceline.com abilities (thanks Sara Beth) got us a great rate at the Hyatt. We ate at some amazing restaurants. I would highly recommend Vic's on river street. Amazing! The shrimp and grits were incredible.

I also got a little shopping in while we were there. My new addictions are bracelets and scarfs. I love them. I have a pretty basic black shirt and grey pants that I love to dress up with different pieces of jewelry and I love my scarfs. I got some cute stuff at a little shop on River street called Stuff under Twenty. Not really the most creative name but it caught my eye and I bought stuff so I guess it works.

This year I am teaching Georgia Studies and honestly I know nothing about it. We decided that the trolley ride through Savannah would be a great idea. Other than the 100 degree heat, it really was amazing. We got to go through all the sections and see all the important history of Savannah. We saw where the Girl Scouts were started. We got to see a lot of the famous ports and houses that were the beginning of Georgia as a colony. We also got to see where "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" was filmed and where Forrest himself sat on a bench and said the famous lines, "Mama always said life is like a box of chocolates. Never know whatcha gonna get." That was so fun!! :)

The trip really was amazing, short, but amazing. I am so glad that we decided to go and would love to go back when it is a whole lot cooler.

Yipeee!!

I remember my first day of school pretty well for some reason. I had on a super cute dress, was sporting my freshly permed-chlorinated from the summer of swimming at the YMCA blonde hair, and I had my paisley notebook and school supplies ready to go! My house was not that far from school but my mom let me ride the bus anyway. The dawn had just broke across the sky when the bus showed up to get me for the first time and I was finally able to step on Mr. Scott's bus.

I still feel that excitement, now as a teacher, every year that we return to school. I am just like a kid when it comes to picking out my office/school supplies for the year. I make sure that my first day outfit is perfect and sets the tone for the year (yeah I know...I have come a long way in fashion from pink shorts!) (that's another blog soon on it's own.) I make sure that my classroom/office area is set up perfect with just the right amount of material on the walls but room enough to allow student work to be displayed. I love it.

Bigger than that excitement is the thought of a new group of students. The possibility that you might meet one of those students who changes your life forever. The chance that you might get that student that truly allows you to be a part of their transformation into young adults. They will transform you and stay with you a little bit but there's always that handful that leave their mark on you in a special way (hopefully not a creepy way that would make you the Fox5 News Headline story at 6:00.)

I am so excited for a new year. A year of partnering with other teachers as their co-teacher to help students with disabilities succeed in the regular classrooms. I am excited about a caseload full of students that I can help show their abilities and not just focus on their disabilities. A year full of learning a brand new school and becoming part of a new family of teachers. Pep rallies, football games, dress up weeks and plays.

So here's to a new year, a new start, a new excitement.

Forever God is Faithful

When you have what you want or desire does God all of a sudden become faithful?

That question, phrased a little differently, was asked to me by my pastor after our second miscarriage. In other words, when you finally do have a child, is God all of a sudden going to become a good and faithful God to you?

My answer to him was something along the lines of.... Well Shit... why did you have to go and ask me that question. (Yes I cussed to my pastor. Yes he was ok with it. No I am not going to Hell and if I am you are going to be beside me for judging. Moving on!)

The more I have thought about that question the more that I am reminded that God is faithful in day to day things just as He is faithful in the big things. There are of course a few big things in life that Brandon and I are holding out hope for but there are so many things along the way that we have been blessed with that we can't complain about what it seems like we are missing.

I don't ever want to become the person (that I see on facebook...a lot) complaining about everything that is wrong (or like members of our family for that matter.) Sure sometimes you need to bitch and gripe but save that for your best friend (sorry SB for all the ranting) or for a date night with your girlfriends or better yet just put the big girl panties on and build a bridge.

God is faithful. I am healthy, I am taken care of emotionally and physically, I have a husband to share my life with, I have a job, I am not struggling with bills or whether I can put food on the table (hell I'm having to go to weight watchers because there has been to much food on the table.)

Bottom line: He is faithful and I am blessed.

Grief

I know this probably isn't the post that you expected since I told you I would be back with one about my experience in Nicaragua. I have written that post a dozen times and never liked the way it felt. There was so much on my heart coming home from Nicaragua that it literally has taken me this long to figure out how to express it. But tonight as I thought about what our family is facing once again it all came to me.

Grief is a funny thing. Sometimes we grieve the loss of love ones that are precious to us. We grieve what we will miss about them, what we loved about them, everything that we hold dear.

Sometimes if a person dies that we have anger or issues with, we instead grieve what we never had in them. This was the case with my dad. I loved him but he wasn't always the greatest dad in the world. I think that left me to grieve the dad that I longed for him to be.

It wasn't until I graduated from Judson that I realized that we sometimes grieve the lost seasons in our lives. I still choke up thinking about being the last person to pullout of Judson the day that we graduated and hearing the "I try to say goodbye and I choke, try to walk away and I stumble," song. I grieve the lost conversations between friends, the appreciation for differences in opinions and beliefs, the sisterhood of dorm life.

Through every episode of grief in my life the stages of grief have followed me. Shock, denial, begging and then the rock bottom place of brokenness and tears.

So why did I have to come all the way to Nicaragua just to experience grief yet again? Unfortunately this episode started way before I ever left for Nicaragua. It actually started when Brandon was in Nicaragua in March on his mission trip and I found out that I was pregnant.

I never once thought that I would ever have trouble having children. My birth mother popped out 5 of us and left us to fend for ourselves. Since I am a responsible adult (most of the time), care about others, have the means to take care of a child, ya-dah-ya I just always assumed that I would be able to look at my husband and get pregnant. Instead, I have only been pregnant 2 times in the last 3 years and both of those times have resulted in miscarriages.

The last time we found out we were pregnant Brandon was in Nicaragua. I now know the exact spot he was sitting in when I Skyped him the news. Because we had had the previous miscarriage I never really allowed myself to believe that I was pregnant and stayed very cautious throughout the entire ordeal. When Brandon returned home, I started miscarrying.

I went through a few of the stages of grief. The shock in the doctor's office. The denial in the pastor's office. The begging at home in my bed pleading for God to just make it right. But instead of allowing myself to go through the remaining stages of grief I somewhere decided to shut it all down. Better to feel nothing at all than to feel the weight of that grief.

I sucked it up, charged on through, got through another end of the school year and boarded a plan to Nicaragua.

The trip was like any other mission trip. Lots of poor people, poor towns, work to be done. You grow attached the kids. We loved on them as hard as we could knowing that we would soon leave and rejoin our comforts of home. By Thursday I was ready to be home, to be cool, to be clean, to be in the arms of the one I love, so Friday was going to be a piece of cake when it came to leaving. Right? Wrong.

It was on the steps of an orphanage in Nicaragua that God chose to break me and usher me through the brokenness of the miscarriage. As I watched our group say goodbye to all the kids they had grown to love I began to weep. Somewhere in their goodbyes I found my goodbye for the child that we had lost. It's hard to lose something so small, something that never really was what it was intended to be.

I wept for the first time since the day we found out that we were miscarrying. It wasn't a loud, Oprah, ugly cry. It was a slow stream of hot tears accompanied by a painful feeling in my gut. But once the moment had passed, I realized I had done something that I had been afraid of doing all my life...I had said goodbye. I said goodbye to our child that day, along with the other faces and moments in life that I have needed to let go.

I never imagined that moment would come in a foreign country but I am so glad it did. I am so glad that I didn't check out on my emotions and become bitter with life. I am so glad that I went through that hard and painful moment because I know I can survive the pain. Does that mean that I want to go through grief ever again? No. I am no fool, I know it is a part of life. But this time I know that I am strong enough to handle whatever may come my way.

So there it is. Not the itinerary trip, picture slide show, you were probably expecting but somehow writing it has been healing and that's all that really matters.

Wrecked

I think the best way I can describe myself after the trip to Nicaragua is wrecked. I have a lot to blog about the trip but I feel like it will come in bits and pieces as my heart and my head have time to completely flesh it all out. Right now I am afraid what I have to say won't make sense and I want to be able to fully capture what I experienced on the trip. So be on the look out for the a few post in the days/weeks to come.

In other news, Congratulations to one of my best friends Aundrea Orr Baisley. Aundrea and John choose not to know the sex of their baby and kept the name under wraps until a few hours after the birth. Last night, baby girl, Georgia Faye Baisley, made her grand debut. She was 8lbs and 7oz and is as cute as a button. I can't wait to get home to hold her and love on her.

That's all you get for now!

Reunited and it feels so good...

I haven't really had time to process the reunion weekend with SB, Rita and Kim. Really the only reason why I am writing about it this quickly is because I am out to beat them at everything and had to pull the trigger and be the first to blog about it.

The girls got to my house around 6 on Friday. This was remarkable since they piddle-farted around as much as they could and left during rush hour traffic. When Rita got out of the car I knew she didn't want some sappy, long, tight hug so I gave a quick one and said something mean about them being late and to hurry up and get their crap in my car because I didn't trust her or SB's driving. It seemed to set the mood pretty well for the weekend.

And let's talk about what all they brought...I had one little duffel bag and a few books and a purse. Sara Beth did not fail to disappoint with her 3 pillows, comforter, 2 bags packed with fat dresses and other clothes for a two night stay in which with the exception of Saturday dinner she stayed in the same exact outfit with the same exact hairstyle, and a few other random collections. Rita had some TOTO basket, a few bags, a pillow and some other crap. Kim had a pillow, a few bags and some other crap to not be undone by the other two. This didn't count the fact that we still had to go to Wal-Mart and buy groceries. So I finally packed all their crap in the car and finally figured out a way to get the trunk to close. And let's just throw in the side note that I feel so uncool because I do not have a kindle and or knook and or IPAD to be addicted to like crack like these three ladies.

We were off to Wal Mart where I proceeded to tell Rita that I was disappointed that she wasn't 300 pounds and as large as a house. Rita has been talking about her weight like she has gained 500 pounds since Judson. I on the other hand have gained 300 pounds since we left Judson and it was disappointing that she was clearly not in my club. To me she looked just like she did when she left Judson...Tiny and Beautiful :)

It was clear from the car ride that we were going to need to pee a lot in order to not pee on ourselves from laughter. We cracked ourselves up in the first 30 minutes and some how made it through Wal-Mart. As we were trying to pack the groceries in the car we got some unexpected help from a nice black lady who told us where to put things.

We made the trip to the house and had a great weekend. We ate an ungodly amount of CRAP. Like we should all be in cardiac arrest. I have craved meat, vegetables and water all day today. That should tell you something.

We recapped the last 8 years of our lives, leaving out parts until someone called us out. I apparently missed Kim's and had to fill in the pieces as we go and I already knew Sara Beth's.

We talked about you. That's an ambiguous you because we pretty much talked about everyone. Just like you talk about us and we are OK with that.

We talked some about Judson but not as much as one would think. We did however relive a few good old memories that had us all cracking up at how fun our college years really were...or maybe not. :)

We stayed up late, some later than others, slept late, some later than others, and did nothing on Saturday except go to dinner where we completely showed our gluttonous side once again and had one of the most phenomenal waiters ever.

I am sure there is more of a retrospective/what I learned from the girls/ what I missed about the girls/ that may or may not ever be created and posted. It truly was a great weekend though. It was one that I will look back on in 30 years and smile thinking about that comment that was made or that memory that was shared.

Thank you girls for helping me find myself a little more and for helping me remember you.

Love you all!

I'm reading, I'm reading

Over the past few weeks I have actually got the chance to start reading. Reading that has NOTHING to do with emotional behavior disorder, students with learning disabilities, or behavior charts. AMEN!

Instead I am reading:



If you are married you should read this book. The end.



My Judson friends have decided to start a little book club. I will technically start this book this weekend when Kim brings it to me.



Fusion: My pastor has recently asked me to take over the process of new members/visitors. It seems like it will be an easy read. I have already went through the first chapter making notes. I am excited about this new ministry and can't wait to get it all organized and put together (nerd alert!)

So yay for me for reading. I think that this might be my new challenge. To read a book for fun, a book to help me/us grow and a book to keep me engaged in either education or church leadership.

Pretty dang pumped! I am hoping for a lot of time to read between the plan ride to Nicaragua and the 3 hour bus ride once we get there. Ai yi yi!

Letters to Me Part 2

My name is Taylor and I have brown hair, brown eyes, and I like to play sports like Football, Basketball , and I also like to play outside on my trampoline, and I love to hike and get dirty too. I like to act crazy to and I like to watch football and basketball.
Mrs. Peevy is nice and sometimes mean. She is the cheerleader coach and the track coach too. She teaches reading, math, and Science. Mrs. Peevy is married and she is a woman.
Good things to do in class are do your work. You need to sit right and don’t talk out loud. Don’t stand on the desk and don’t get on Mrs. Peevy’s nerves that is a good one. Finally, do what you are told.
Bad things to do in class are fight, getting on Mrs.Peevy’s nerves, talking when Mrs.Peevy is talking ,calling people names and throwing stuff in class. Don’t tear Mrs. Peevy’s books or you will pay for that book, don’t steel anything from Mrs. Peevy or you will pay for it, don’t be bad for Mrs.Peevy or be bad when she’s not there.
Make sure you’re nice to Mrs.Peevy or I will find you and I will hurt you.
Peace from Taylor Coleman

*** Another class had the students write a letter to their favorite teacher. A student who is not my favorite sometimes wrote his to me. I am a little too emotional to add it to the blog today. Maybe next week. ***

Letters to Me

Every year I have my students write a letter to my upcoming class. Sometimes I actually use them and sometimes (more than not) I forget about them. Mainly the letters are a keepsake for me. They are sincere and usually pretty funny. So I thought I would share them with you and have them written one more place in case I ever lose them. :)

Dear Student,

My name is Spencer and I hate writing. I have a twin sister named Savannah. I also have a girlfriend named Savannah. I also hate Science.

Mrs. Peevy is the coolest teacher ever. She is so cool I feel asleep one time and she did not give me a detention. She loves dogs and poetry. She is also married.

A good thing to do in class is listen because it is funny. You should also sit in your seat. You should also help in class. You should always be nice.

You should never talk about her mom. Never talk rude to her. Do not argue with her because you will not win. Do not stick out your tounge to her.

So always be nice. Never be mean to her. Be respectful to her and most importantly be good.

Spencer.

I'll post a few more in a few days!

I say Good-bye you say Hello

Wow. Only 8 more days of school remaining. That means there are only 17 more days until I leave for Nicaragua and 24 more before I leave for the beach. I am saying Good-bye in a few days to my students, my cheer girls, my track kids and my co-workers. A few years ago this would have thrown me for a complete loop and my world would have been shaken. Over those years, I have learned an important lesson. While some good-byes are sad, most of them mean an opportunity for change. An opportunity to start over in some aspects. An opportunity to meet new people along the path that you are destined to meet. People that you will impact but most importantly will impact you. I have made a few close friends at my current school that I will treasure forever. Friends that I will see, stay in contact with, love for the rest of my life. No I won't see them on a daily basis but I won't have to see them on a daily basis to stay close to them.

Do I know what I am doing? Nope. I kinda like that. I like the freedom that in 8 days (10 if you count post-planning) that I will be free for a while. Free to dream. Free to search. Free to see what is out there. Free to ask God to move me right where I am suppose to be. There's something so amazing about being at this place and I feel blessed to be there.

So I might be saying a sad good-bye to another piece of my journey but in some ways I feel like my journey is just starting...again.

Mother MAY I?

Brandon and I have gotten the crazy ideas in our heads that we are only going to use cash for the month of May. We are not going to spend any of our change that we receive from spending the dollars but instead save it till the end of the month. We are going to fill up the cars on Sunday no matter how much gas they have in them with the debit cards. Other than that they are not coming out of our wallets.

*** This is what happens when my husband watches the Oprah network and Susie is talking! ***

Wordless Wednesday

Another Day

Part of me feels bad for blogging. There's so much going on in the world right now that my ramblings about life seem so irrelvant in the grand scheme of things. But then again isn't that how life happens. For some life will stop moving for a period of time because of a horrific moment (someone dies, destruction, miscarriage, divorce etc.) But the world keeps moving. Around and around. Life goes on.

So here are the latest ramblings/rants/happenings.

Ramblings
1. I have been back to the gym for the past two weeks and it feels great. Well actually it hurts like hell but it feels great to be able to say that I have not dropped the ball this time. I might have fallen off the bandwagon for a little while but unlike other times I didn't let that failure keep me down. I am hoping to start seeing the changes in my body soon and really hoping to not get hurt this time. I taking extra precaution in that area.

Rants
2 - 6 I know the majority of us feel this way but let me just go ahead and throw it out there. I know sometimes life sucks. You're tired. Too much on your plate. Not appreciated enough....blah, blah, blah. But if you constantly complain about life NO ONE wants to hear it. If you constantly have stupid remarks to make...NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR IT (EXCEPT FOR THE 4 PEOPLE ON THIS EARTH WHO ARE JUST LIKE YOU AND WILL LIKE YOUR STATUS CAUSE THEY ARE IDIOTS TOO!) I know I post a lot of crap to facebook. I tell you about my workouts that no one cares about or about my students which really no one cares about. But really.... You are happy Charlie Sheen is in T-Town because you didn't see Obama (lack of respect with President but that's besides the point) lift any wood while he was there. Or EVERYTHING that is wrong with the country is President Obama's fault until one good thing happens and all of a sudden don't give the man credit. There are certain events that happen (elections especially) that I just think to myself...here come the idiots. I will go on record to say that I did not care for about 95.6% of the things that President Bush did or said. However, I would never wish the man dead; especially when he was in office. Much more to say but really what's the point.

Happenings
7. I am very proud of the way that my church, school and gym have responded to relief efforts for those in Alabama. I will be meeting up with Sara Beth on May 16th to drop off items and help sort through already collected donations.

8. School is almost over and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will miss my kids and co-workers but I am ready for the new challenge and new place. I will update more on where and what that will be in a few weeks. :)

9. Today is my 3rd anniversary. It is hard to believe it has been three years already but in some regards it's hard to remember life without him. I hope when we are celebrating our 63rd anniversary he is still making me laugh, still keeping me in check and still looking at me the way he did the day that we got married.

Hope everyone is doing well. Peace out.

Things to do this summer...

Assuming that for some reason I stay in education I plan to make the best use of this summer. So here is an ever growing list of things I plan to do this summer. We'll see how it goes.

1. Read. Lots. I never read anymore unless it has to do with school. So you should start sending me your favorites and I'll review the book here on the blog with a shout out to you for recommending it. Even if it is bad. *** Sara Beth...No I will not read Angels and freaking Demons ***

2. Plant and keep my little garden. I am hoping that this garden both saves me money and causes me to want to eat a little healthier since I will have fresh veggies when I want them.

3. Visit Savannah, Georgia with the honey for our belated anniversary (mom needed power so she came to Georgia and booted us out of our already paid hotel in Chattanooga but we love her anyway and glad she is alive) trip.

4. Lay by the pool, in the pool, on the pool, around the pool, near the pool and every other preposition I can find to say I WILL BE AT A POOL...A LOT. I say this every year but I am damned and determine to make it happen this year!

5. Help out at our church a little more this summer. It will be a good time to help get some stuff organized as we move into a time of growth. Hoping that this will lead to some pretty neat things in the near(er) future.

6. Not buy a single cleaning product without a coupon. Since a lot of the food that we buy doesn't come with coupons, I have decided to get back into the coupon world through cleaning supplies. My goal is to not buy a single cleaning supply without some type of coupon or deal. I am pretty particular about my make up and hair stuff so I am just going to stick with cleaning stuff and see what happens over the summer money wise.

7. Set up our guest bed room. I hesitate to write this because there is nothing that I hate worse in the world than painting. But...this needs to be done and I am just going to have to suck it up and do it.

8. Have the Judson girls up to the river for a late summer reunion. Stay tuned for more information.

9. Go on random trips to the beach. We have a trip planned for the beginning of summer but I really want to take a few spur of the moment, cheap trips to A beach this summer with random girl friends. We'll see if it happens.

10. Get back into Crossfit full time. I am easing back into this and I have to say I am pretty surprised how easy it was to fire this back up.

So there you have it. My top ten things to do this summer. I. AM. PUMPED.

A dream is a wish your heart makes...

I really feel like I am not living out my dreams or using my talents where they need to be used. I knew in high school that I was suppose to be in ministry. I knew it in college and that's why I went to FBC New Hope to be the children's minister. I felt it strong enough to move to Georgia, leaving everything that I had and knew to start a new journey in ministry. Because the TCAMC never went anywhere I was scared and fell into teaching. It was more of a safety net than anything. I enjoy teaching and at times love certain aspects of it but I am not PASSIONATE about it. I am passionate about seeing people plug into places within a church and find their place of service. I am passionate about coordinating events and can do them with my eyes closed. I am passionate about seeing youth deepen their relationship with Christ and about putting a community of believers together in groups. That's what I am passionate about. I don't want to be a children's or youth pastor necessarily. Just someone behind the scenes making it all happen.

The problem is rarely does this type of job 1. exist 2. provide a reliable or comparable income to teaching 3. offer security down the road. So now I am caught in limbo wondering if I am suppose to continue and pursue another teaching job, hope it's a good situation and learn to love it OR put myself out there and follow my dreams. I don't want to live with regret but I don't want to put Brandon and I in any danger now or later but I miss that girl of 2006 who took a risk and followed God's calling.

I guess this is my moment to throw out my fleece and see what encouragement, confirmation, warnings you guys might give me. Let's hear it.

Dark Night of the Soul

Reflections on Lent:



It has only been in the last few years that I have ever been challenged to really spend my time going through the season of Lent reflecting upon just what Christ did for me on the cross and what being a Christian is really all about. This season started off like any other Lent with Ash Wednesday. I have to say that Ash Wednesday is my favorite service at our church. This year it was even more phenomenal. The worship was great, we were able to sit with our sister in law and nieces and watch them experience it for the first time and it's always incredible to hear the words, "Go and sin no more" and know that Christ has forgiven us through the cross.



A few weeks after Lent started Brandon left with a team from our church to Nicaragua. As he left there was a little fear in me that always creeps up about his safety. Will the plan land ok? Will there be an earthquake and leave them in disaster? Will there? What if?



But my heart quickly settled with the news that they had landed and I went on about my week expecting it to be lonely and uneventful.



I started feeling bad on Monday and something told me to take a pregnancy test. Since we have never gotten a positive result I didn't feel bad taking the test with Brandon not here. I took the test half hearted fully expecting there to be nothing. When there was a slight something I couldn't believe it. I immediately called Heather Kendrick, because that's who I call for everything, and she confirmed that though faint there was something there. I spent the next hours and days taking test just to confirm that I was actually pregnant.



On Saturday morning after being pregnant for a week with my husband in another country I started bleeding. It was just spotting but something in my heart told me that this would not lead to good. There was a battle that waged about whether or not it was inevitable or something that the Lord could reverse through enough prayer.



Saturday I rested thanks to Heather and her bed and woke up Sunday morning feeling good. I was able to sing that morning at church and remember tearing up at the lyrics that said "prepare our hearts to risk again." Mike's message that morning dealt with going through what he called the dark night of the soul. I knew the minute the man started preaching that we were about to be traveling into those waters yet again and knew that this time would be much more painful than the first. I knew that we were about to hurt but somehow knew that the truth that Mike was preaching would carry us.



Brandon returned home that night and as soon as we walked into the door of our house I started bleeding heavily. The next morning we went to the doctor and though he would not confirm anything we knew by his emotions and body language that we were not going to get good news. This is where the struggle within me started with God. He had once again let me down and robbed me of what my heart desired. I started trying to reason out what was happening. I started doubting his love for me. I started doubting his goodness and faithfulness. I started hating him and being so mad at him for not answering mine and a host of other people's prayers the way that we all saw fit.



Scared at my emotions and where I felt myself going I decided to go and talk to Pastor Mike. It was a long conversation but one question that he asked brought me back to reality and has stuck with me ever since. Mike asked me if we were to get pregnant and keep the baby the very next month would God all of a sudden become faithful to me? He told me that I was mad at a god that I had designed in my own mind and not the real, living God that doesn't keep bad things from happening but simply sustains us through them.



It has been since that question that I have allowed the Lord to start working through me through this whole ordeal. A few lessons have been learned.


1. That God's faithfulness is not defined by his granting my desires. God is faithful because he carried me through that storm. He is faithful because he saved me. He is faithful because he allowed Brandon to be at home through the whole thing. He IS faithful.


2. His portion is enough. Last week as we sang Amazing Grace, I was floored by the line "he will my shield and portion be as long as life endures." Even if he took away everything from me tomorrow, His death on the cross and the life that it gives me would be enough. Whatever in this life that He chooses to give me will be enough. The more that I stop and take stock of the amazing relationships in my life the more that I realize that I have already been blessed way beyond what I deserve because ultimately I deserve none of it.


3. Resting in Him. From the very first signs of bleeding to just the other night of sitting in His presence in a dim lit sanctuary I am finding out what it means to rest in Him. I have always been a controlling person. I want to be in control. I want to be in control of my schedule, of my routine, of who I let in and out of my life, of my surroundings, and especially my emotions. Stopping and resting means that there is a chance that the Lord might actually want me to deal with some of my past. Stopping means that I will have to be alone with my thoughts which scares me sometimes. But God is calling me to stop and rest in Him and over the past few weeks that is what I have done as hard as it is for me.


In the Garden, Jesus prayed for the cup to be taken away from him. I am learning that it is not wrong to pray for the bad to not happen, the inevitable not to come. However, all I need is the strength to get through whatever may happen.


I don't know that I am to the point that I can say that I am thankful for this struggle but I am thankful for what I have learned through it. I am thankful for the people who have prayed, who have not said anything when nothing needed to be said and have spoken truth when it needed to be heard.


This Sunday I will celebrate the resurrection of Christ is a new light. His portion is enough for me. His death on the cross is what gives me life. In Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light my song. The last few weeks have been one big dark night but morning has finally come. Sunday is here!!

Full Moon

If you don't believe that there is a direct correlation between the full moon and behavior please come to a middle school during one. I am going to do my research and figure out if it is true. I promise you that I can walk into any school in the nation with my eyes close and tell you whether or not it is a full moon. Promise you.

Nothing profound

I really want something profound to say today but really there is nothing. Life just is right now. We are preparing for the CRCT right now which is making me want to punch myself in the face. I hate the CRCT and everything that goes with it. Yeah I know we have to measure our kids and see what they have learned...blah, blah, blah. But I HATE that I have to teach to a test and that so much rides on this one week of academic performance for a child, their teacher and the school.

Cheerleading tryouts are also this week and without a stake in the team next year I could really just care less. I am trying to be nice and help the coach out for next year. I am kinda glad that I am not coaching next year only because I will never, ever, ever, have a squad of girls that were as great as this group. They were all so well behaved. They were so sweet. They were non-dramatic and they were precious. I heart them.

The same can be said for track which is also ending this week. We have our championship on Saturday. Our boys are undefeated in the regular season and stand a great chance to come away with the championship. This has been an incredible group of students that we have been able to work with this year and their parents have been awesome. Not to knock my classroom but it has been nice to teach students who actually appreciate you.

Once this week is over with I have some phenomenal plans. I plan to start the garden. I plan to read. I plan to plan the summer and start some fundraising for my trip to Nicaragua at the end of May. I plan to clean my house some and get a lot thrown away or gone through. I plan to just get my life somewhat back to normal.

So that's it. Boring as can be but sometimes boring is good.

Umm Negative Chief

So I say "negative chief" to just about everything these days. My students have even picked up on it and the other day when I asked one of them to pick up something from around his desk he responded with "negative chief."

Well yesterday I was forced to show my butt and give a rude and inconsiderate young couple a big ol' negative chief. I took yesterday off to go get more blood drawn and to get my passport. Well the blood work had to be fasting blood work. So the plan was to go get the passport at 9:00 a.m. and then go do the blood work. The reasoning behind this was because if you get to the passport line at, oh say 9:15 you are already #25 in line and won't be seen until after lunch.

So I show up at 9:00 and end up standing in line for a little over 2 1/2 hours. Well about 1 3/4 hours a young couple walk into the passport office. They are two unfortunate souls that have to wait behind the girl with the sign that says you will not be seen until after lunch. Because they are loud and because I have teacher hearing, I hear the conversation that they really have somewhere that they need to be and don't have another day to come back and get their passports before their wedding in June. So a woman in the back with her son tells the couple, "see my husband in the visor? I'll text him and tell him to let you in front of him. He can just tell the people that you were there this morning and forgot something." This is where my blood starts to boil. Really? You are actually having this conversation, OUT LOUD, and you think it's ok?

So tweedle dee (the boy) preceedes to walk up in front of this man and act like he has known hm forever. I look around to see if anyone else in line is noticing this and NO ONE seems to care. The longer I stand there I stop asking WWJD (what would Jesus do) and start asking WWKD (what would Kay do) instead. Unfortuanely Kay beat Jesus this time and I promptly go and tell the attendant working there. As I walk back to the line people start giving me the head nod and the thumbs up sign. If I could have slowed it down to slow motion and played the Rocky theme song I would have.

By this time tweedle dum (the girl) has joined them because they are next in line and the lady approaches them and ask how they got to the front of the line. The man who let them cut (which I could have equally punched in the face) starts rambling on about how they were there this morning and how he told them he would save them a place in line. Well....there it went...my mouth shot off with a big NEGATIVE CHIEF. I told her the conversation and told him how the line breaking happened.

Well apparently their stupid sob story won off the dumb lady working there and they were let in ahead of everyone else in line. This includes me who has not eaten all morning and it is now 11:45. I am not going to lie that I tried to trip tweedle dum as she walked out of the office but it didn't work.

Oh well. At least I left knowing that I had said my peace, gotten the thumbs up by the crowd and even threw out a little "negative chief."