Doing Messy

Brandon and I are smack dab in the middle of another miscarriage. This time we peed on the stick, saw the yes, got our hopes up, and got our hopes dashed.

Sometimes life can be messy. Emotions can get really messy. Messy is not something that most people want to deal with. People want to deal with cookie cutter emotions. Fine. Ok. Doing well. That's all they really want to hear.

So let me answer the question that everyone is asking but no one really wants to hear the real answer. I am not ok. I am not doing well. In fact, honestly, I feel like I am losing my mind. I am mad at my birth mother for birthing 5 children and not taking care of a single one of them. I am mad at God for not answering our prayer and intervening. I am questioning what praying is really suppose to do because obviously it doesn't change his mind. I am questioning my faith. I am wondering if I can really prepare my heart to risk this again. I am angry. I am pissed. I am hurt but yet somehow numb. I am ready for the physical pain to be over with and I am more than ready for the emotional pain to ease. I am tired of holding back tears afraid that I am not ever going to quit crying and I am afraid of feeling like I am losing control.

People don't want to hear that. Instead, they want to hear that I am trusting God to get me through this. That I am leaning on him for the answers. That I am finding my strength in the one who gives it.

It's not that easy folks. It's hard to be transparent. It's hard to be real. It's hard to tell God that you hate him but it's even harder to tell him that you love him when at that moment you don't.

Maybe I am mad at the God that I have made him out to be in my mind.

I just know that I am not ok. I will be. Eventually. One Day. Hopefully soon. But if you are going to ask the question...be ready to deal with the messy answer.

Publix is my friend

There are things I love about Publix. I love how clean the stores (usually) are, their produce and most of the time their meats. I love them even more for their GF stickers. Eating Paleo means that you basically eat Gluten Free. For other issues I usually...usually being the key word...try to stay gluten free is I can. So thanks Publix!!

Re-do

Just so you know...I didn't quit my job on the spot. Just for next year. I will finish out my contract for the end of the year.

So here is a little rant on some of my precious students. I love them but I hate when they state a question not ask it. Example...I can go to the bathroom? I can get a drink of water? I can have a pencil? I don't even fight the battle between may and can anymore. The new battle is....CAN you please ask a question and not tell me what you are going to do but say it in a high pitch voice so that it sounds like you are ASKING me permission to do something you have already STATED that you are going to do.

Yeah...I'm over it.

When Peace Like a River

There are times in life that you have to stand up for yourself and make a decision based on what is best for you. For about the last 30 years my decisions have been 99.9% based on someone else. What makes them happy. How I can help them. Well..this time I made a decision to do what is best for myself. I quit my job. A job that I love. A job that I get to do with students and co-workers that I adore. But a job that drives me into the ground. I lave my house at 6 every morning to drive an hour away and usually don't return until 7 or 8 at night. I have the toughest job at the school with the most preps (classes to plan for) out of anyone in the entire building. So, the choice became easy quickly. I will be trying to find a job that is close to my house that will allow me the chance to live my life with those that I love a little easier. When I get off work I will be able to be home in a matter of minutes not hours. I will be able to keep my beloved OBGYN should we get pregnant and ultimately WHEN I do get pregnant I won't be an hour away from my child. I will also be off in time to go to the gym and will hopefully have time in the morning to get my crap together instead of laying around for just another minute of sleep because my body is so exhausted. So here is to hoping and praying for the right job close to my house!!

Until next time...