3 More days to go...AND

BETH FINALLY POSTED! YAY!!!

5 WHOLE DAYS!!

6 Days and Counting!

Oh I'm so ready!

FEDEX

Says my ornament should be here on the 12th. I can't wait to see the person open it up! MEE-MAWS get ready for Christmas 06!!!

Out of Control

That's exactly what my life feels like right now. I never knew all of the emotions that I could feel at once...but here's just a few.

Frustrated - At myself for the mess I've made lately with relationships and my life.

Thankful - When I stop to think of all the amazing people who love me in spite of myself. I started just running down a list the other day of friends that would do anything for me and care about me...and the list was overwhelming...i'm blessed.

Envious - Of those at my age that seem to have it all together.

Regret - Of the past that can not change.

Sorrow - It feels weird to be a daughter without a dad.

Tormented - By the images, sounds and smell of death.

Hope - That someday, if I'm blessed with a husband and children, that I'll have the chance to correct some wrongs and be all that my children may need from a mom and be a wife that is my husbands strongest supporter.

Determination - To never allow myself to be like "her" in any way.

Anger - At what I've let others do to me in my past, anger at what they've stolen from me (more than possessions) and anger that I continue to let them steal and rob me of joy and sound mind.

Blessed - To be around such Godly, wonderful, patient, incredible, people who would walk through hell with me.

Overwhelmed - At the Sovereignty of God. It's overwhelming to think on the fact that My God is a God that never changes, and that remains faithful. It's taken me falling on my face the past few days and weeks to come to the understanding that I am nothing without him and that apart from Him I CAN DO NOTHING. It is He that gives me my next breath, and it is only by his amazing power, strength and grace that I can stand.

I truly stand amazed in the presence of Jesus, and wonder how he could love me, a sinner...but how marvelous, how wonderful is His glory. Lord work in our lives in such an astounding way that only YOU can be given the credit for what incredible things happen.

I'm in process right now of trying to regain perspective on life, ministry and relationships. I'll let you know if I get any!!!

Hurt

You know how sometimes it takes you a few times of hearing a song before you catch on to what it's saying. This one if fairly new and by Christina Aguilera, but I really "heard" it for the first time today and I have to say that it hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought I knew what grieving looked like, I mean I've been through it before, but I guess each process is different.


Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face.
You told me how proud you were but I walked away.
If I only I knew what I know today, ohhhh.

I would hold you in my arms.
I would take the pain away.
Thank you for all you've done.
Forgive all your mistakes.
There's nothing I wouldn't do.
To hear your voice again.
Sometimes I wanna call you but I know you won't be there.

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you.
For everything I just couldn't do.
And I've hurt myself by hurting you.

Some days I feel broke inside, but I won't admit.
Sometimes I just wanna hide cuz it's you I miss.
You know it's so hard to say good-bye when it comes to this, ohhhh yeah.

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do.
To have just one more chance.
To look into your eyes and see you looking back.

Oh, I'm sorry for blaming you.
For everything I just couldn't do.
And I've hurt myself, oh...

If I had just one more day.
I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away.
Oh, It's dangerous.
It's so out of line to try and turn back time.

I'm sorry for blaming you.
For everything I just couldn't do.
And I've hurt myself....
by hurting you.