Tuesday, October 30, 2007

This time of year....

I use to love this time of year. The color of the leaves. The smell in the air. Just the change of the hot, muggy weather. Till this year.....

I didn't really expect it to be like this. I thought the year anniversary would come, I would have a moment or two, and we would move beyond. I never knew that a month out from that date, I would have some of the worst moments I've had since my daddy passed away. People flock to walk through that moment with you when it happens, and then slowly, you're the one left with the moments that come out of no where. You are the one that is left with the pain, that only you can carry. You are the one that sees everyone around you moving on, but you can't, and you don't want to interupt their lives, because of yours.

Halloween night last year was the night my mom got the call that said they were taking him to the hospital from the nursing home. He had injested some stuff in his lungs, had pneumonia, and was losing blood somewhere. It never got better.

My mom sat by his side, and I joined her later, until November 24th, when he finally passed away.

I am forever marked by that moment. The sights, the smells, the sounds. I close my eyes to this day and hear him dying. I can walk into a hospitial and smell death. I can see the images that unfolded and play them out in my head over and over sometimes, just trying to find closure.

I walked out of the room when he died because I couldn't take it. I said I needed a shower, I really just couldn't do it. I went and took a shower, took my time getting ready to head back to the hospitial, hoping and praying that something would happen before I could get back. It did. And I've lived with that regret ever since. A nurse and my aunt had to help my mom through that moment because I was to coward to stay. Some say he waited on me to leave the room. Maybe. But nevertheless, it's something i've carried with me to this day.

Getting engaged has also brought out these emotions. Daddy would have LOVED Brandon. He would have wanted to talk to him for forever and would have asked him a million questions. He would have told him a million stories. He would have told him how him and Kay met, and how much he loved her. He would have loved to brag about Brandon to everyone and would have introduce him to everyone at the nursing home. Brandon would have been so good with him. He would have just sat and listened and met everyone and pretended to remember them the next time.

We'll light a candle at our wedding to mark his spot there at the altar with us, but nothing will erase the fact that he won't be there. Nothing will change the fact that i'll never be able to make up for lost time with him. Nothing will ever change the fact that I had finally began to love him for who he was and what he was never able to be to me growing up. And I was ok with that. He was my daddy...and that was all that mattered.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Things I'm excited about...

1. I'm going home for the first time since July this weekend.
2. My mom quilted me a quilt for my birthday and I get it this weekend.
3. I'm excited that Alabama actually has potential to beat Tenn this year. ROOOOOOOLLLLL TIDE ROLL!
4. I'm excited that my birthday week has been great! I even got a Winnie the Pooh cake!
5. I'm excited that I got my dress finally and it was cheaper than I thought.
6. I'm excited that I get married in almost less than 6 months....
7. Sara Beth is coming to see me next weekend and that makes me SUPER excited!


Something i'm nervous about....

Saturday the 27th I take a HUGE test that decides whether or not I start teaching in January and gets me into the teacher education program at Piedmont. I'm really nervous about it, mainly because it has math. I think I'll do ok on the reading and writing portions. I hope so at least. Say a prayer now if you get a chance and we'll see what happens!

Friday, October 05, 2007

I'm actually doing it...

Back in April I posted on here goals for this year...yeah it was April, but I've always been a day late and dollar short. So I remembered that I had posted that today, and thought I would revisit the list. Some, I have exceeded what I thought I could ever do...others have fallen by the way side, and a few new ones should probably be added.

1. Score a 55 on the MAT - I did!! Actually it was a 374 needed and I got a 378
2. Save enough money to buy a Laptop - did that too..it was used from a friend, but it works for me.
3. Lose 30 more LBS - still trying on this one, but the ring on the finger but that one into motion
4. Save up at least 500.00 for an "emergency" fund...Dave gives us poor people a break by saying we only have to have 500.00 - then a wedding happened.
5. Run a 10k....(until you read my blog, you'll never know that I'm signing up to do this...we'll see how often you actually check this thing friend)...(also note that I have till the end of the year to complete this...don't be signing us up for one next week!!) (and quit talking to God about crazy things you think I need to do...) - yeah so this is the one that could be revamped. The 10k went out the door, but I have been working out since, once again the ring, and I can actually see a physical difference. I'm even lifting weights.
6. Be accepted into Grad school (conditionally or unconditionally, I don't care..just get me in.) - did that....
7. Complete my first semester of grad school with a 4.0 - well on the way, with an A in my first two classes.
8. GET A FREAKING TATTOO...MY FRIENDS NEED TO GET ON THE BALL AND HELP ME WITH THIS ONE...HINT HINT...ROOMIE AND ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER! - yeah right...yeah freaking right...KEITH
9. Keep a POSITIVE attitude that ALL of this is OBTAINABLE AND POSSIBLE. - I've had my moments, but for the most part my outlook these days has been positive.

New Ones!

10 - Learn to trust Brandon with all that I have!
11 - Get through the wedding enjoying it!


There are more (really) personal ones but I'll keep something to myself.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

I found my dress....

It's perfect. This whole crazy, stressful thing just got really exciting and really fun in a hurry! Yay!

Monday, October 01, 2007

Life can begin again...

Life can offically begin again...for a little while at least.

This week was rough, but i'm just glad it's over. 2 finals and a root canal later....I finally feel like life can begin again now that the stress is off my shoulder.

I'm doing some wedding planning this week...so hopefully that will be fun.

I finished up one class and hope to get the grade this week and I finish up the other one on Thursday. So glad those are almost over, but it's been a good first experience with graduate school.

Hope all is well in your lives!